Jeremy is still dead and I am still apoplectic about it. Please stop with it in the opening.
My god, man, get up off the sidewalk! I knew it had to be Damon, but a small part of me was unsure because no one who loves his leather jackets and wardrobe as much as Damon would ever lie on a sidewalk in NYC. Anyone who has spent any significant time there would tell you that. This opening shot tells you all you need to know about Damon’s headspace. He is lying on a sidewalk in New York. He officially has no fucks to give. So, the normal subterfuge payoff occurs, bitey bitey, and I get a glance at Damon in guyliner. Let me freeze this and get a good look to determine whether I like it or not.
*1 hour later*
Imma say he pulls it off. No biggy. *Goes to Amazon and has 3 cases of Maybelline eyeliner delivered to the Boarding House.* I am, however going to also send a case of bourbon to whomever did the musical selections for this evening’s home movie, because “Psycho Killer” by the Talking Heads was damn perfect right here for setting the scene and highlighting the old Salvatore swagger. Nicely done.
Damon and Elena stroll through the streets of New York blatantly discussing killing people. Someone should mention to Damon that this is the post-Guiliana version of New York. The man is an asshole, but he did clean up the town and people aren’t quite as blase about random dead bodies. The sidewalks are no cleaner, so he may wish to change out of that John Varvatos shirt before he is prone on one. Although it is very nice that they continue to ruin Damon’s character arch as they have ruined so many others. This version of Damon should absolutely have a problem with killing random people. When he makes the “what’s a few more dead bodies” comment, my heart sinks a little. I don’t want animal feeding vampires, but there is no need to kill the happy meals. Catch Feed Erase. What happened to that? I guess we have decided to go for maximum drama as opposed to storytelling. Joy. Are they unaware that you can have both?
This version of Elena isn’t an idiot and knows that Damon always has a scam going on so questions what it is. He very unconvincingly explains they are just there to have fun. Let their hair down. Apply some guyliner. The usual.
“And that tone is the reason I didn’t pick up the phone the first 20 times you called.” This is really a thing for Stefan and he should work on it. The same scenario happened with Klaus, and I know we’ve seen Elena dodging his phone calls. It’s almost a meme at this point. Sad Stefan, hitting redial over and over, leaving increasingly desperate and judgmental phone calls:
Damon Call 1: “Hi. It’s Stefan. Give me a call.”
Damon Call 2: “It’s Stefan again, talk to you soon.”
Damon Call 3: “Um, still Stefan. Is Elena with you?”
Damon Call 4: “Yeah, it’s Stefan. You should run it by me before you make any moves.”
Damon KIK message 1: “Hey. Wondering if you aren’t getting my voice messages. Call me.”
Damon Call 5: “Still haven’t heard from you. I’m sure I won’t like whatever you’re doing. Call me.”
Damon Call 6: “I know Elena is with you & you’re going to do sire bondage all over the place. Call me!”
Damon KIK message 2: “I know you’re receiving these. The D is now an R. CALL ME!”
Damon Call 7: “You left me alone to deal with the consequences of my actions? Call me”
Damon Call 8: “I’m drinking all of your bourbon & eyeing up the neighbor’s cat. Call me.”
Damon on Google chat: “The green light is lit so I know you’re there. CALL ME!”
Damon Call 9: “Father always loved me more. Call me.”
Tweet to Damon: @HeroHair1864 : @EternalStud1 I SEE YOU TWEETING PICS OF THE NAKED COWBOY! CALL ME!
Damon Call 10: *soft sounds of crying*
Stefan is the reason caller ID was invented, is what I’m saying.
When they finally do connect, I hate both sides of this conversation and want to stake them both. Damon is so flippant in the negation of just how easily Elena outsmarted them all over and over last week. This Elena isn't so easily fooled and the fact you are so confident in your ability to snow her Damon, makes me want to punch you in the throat. And you, Stefan, with your sanctimony that human Elena is the only good version of Elena earns you 2 throat punches. This phone call alone is why I am so happy the episode ended the way it did. For too damn long the men on this show have conspired, lied, and manipulated to get the end game they want and the ladies have been the pawns. Too many fangirls out there swoon over it when a male cast member does it, but when one of the women DOES THE EXACT SAME THING, she is a bitch. Fuck that noise. I love Damon to bits, but he will do whatever it takes to get the end result he wants and panties are flung from one end of the earth to the other because of it. Elena does the same. damn. thing. and she gets hate. Bullshit. *burns bra, but still shaves my legs because I’m a feminist and not a gross hippie*
Elena shows off her new look and I’d let her eat me.
Caroline is cleaning up after Vamp Elena’s coming out party, like the good hostess she is in her soul, even if it wasn’t her party. In saunters the dimpled devil himself, and I must say if Hayley sex is the reason he is so frisky and full of himself this episode, then this man needs to get laid on the regular, because I adored every snarky and sassy word out of his mouth. I know vampires can’t get sick, but someone give Care a fresh beer because she is drinking all backwash and it’s skeeving me out. Klaus very rationally explains he drove Tyler away because Tyler’s one goal was to kill him, casually skipping over the part about him killing Tyler’s mom and generally wreaking havoc since his arrival, but let’s not quibble. Care also wishes Klaus to hit the dusty trail, as his very presence is making her forget about her football playing love with each accented syllable that falls from his pouty lips.
Unfortunately for her, Stefan invited Klaus over to discuss Silas having arrived in Mystic Falls. The gang is still unaware that it is Shilas they are looking for, who is right now having Bonnie take deep breathes and staring at her cleavage as she does it. I guess some things never change even if you are possessed by the undead spirit of a demi-god. Bonnie thinks it’s creepy that Silas is appearing as Shane, but I’m not over how creepy it was that she wanted in Shane’s pants. And the manipulation continues. “You’re strong, girl, I can’t make you do anything. Witches are so powerful, damn. But let me lay this guilt on you about Jeremy and all the other dead people. You really miss them and it’s your fault they’re dead. Oh, and it’s not like the 12 will be dead for long. We bring down this dumb wall and boom, there they are.” Way to hit all the notes, Shilas. But if the final 12 can come back, then they are all supes as well, and I nervously begin to count remaining cast members.
Klaus is still riding out his post-orgasmic glow and is very dismissive about the missing blood. When it is pointed out that Klaus killed many supernatural creatures over the years, including 11 hybrids very recently, his focus is temporarily taken off of his penis and onto his neck.
Damon takes Elena to a dive bar, my favorite kind, and she is not impressed in the least. Damon name drops The Factory and CBGBs, as he would, but sells the just under the radar perfection of Billy’s. I can see the appeal of punk rock nihilism to a vampire even more so than goth woe is me depression. Damon is punk rock, Stefan is goth. And we’re into our second flashback.
Damon is helping ID creating Will by passing it along from his victims. It is interesting that Will is specific about the look he is going for when Damon hunts, and it is a brunette woman. The customer is a runner, you see, and needs to constantly change her persona. Wonder who that could be? So that is why Damon killed Will last week; he didn’t want Rebekah to get that piece of information.
In exchange for the IDs, Damon gets to feed in the club, but who is here to harsh his buzz other than one-half of the judgemental gruesome twosome, Lexi. I just realized how much the current version of Caroline resembles Lexi and I am not just talking about the blonde. Check out the mannerisms, the tone of put downs, and even the phrasing and you’ll see it. Just as Stefan replaced one Petrova with another (to be fair, so did Damon), he also replaced his sober coach with another, but Caroline wasn’t like this until she took that role. And Lexi in this episode looks like she could be fun. So it is Stefan that makes people this way. No wonder Paul Wesley wants to shake up the character.
“You got Lexi’d”, will be my new go to response whenever someone goes all sanctimonious on this show. I love you, Elena. I love you even more, Rebekah, for staying on the tail of these two and not being stupid. Bexster spills that Damon is still searching for the cure and our boy covers quickly with how this is where he was when his switch was flipped, but as we all know, there is no flip to switch, it is just a form of denial and survival.
We return to the flashback and Lexi gives me another reason to hate her. She snarks all over Damon having feelings, but Damon’s problem has never been him not feeling. His entire issue in a nutshell is having too much feeling. He feels everything and has no idea what to do with it all. I just don’t get how Lexi spends 100+ years excusing everything Stefan does, but cannot find one ounce of compassion for the man in front of her who hasn’t done nearly the savagery Saint Stefan has. Elena assumes Lexi was able to get Damon to turn his switch back on, but as we shall see, this is the one thing she is wrong about this episode. Damon makes a severe tactical error by leaving Elena alone to conspire with Bex. This is my next clue that something is severely wrong with him.
“I’m not stupid.”
“Well, let’s not say things you don’t mean.”
I like these two together and am thrilled they team up. Elena makes it very clear she knows Damon is playing her and is just returning the favor, so why is everyone so down on her for doing exactly that? Team Delena is super angry at Stefan for ignoring what Elena wants and they claim that is one of the reasons they want her with Damon, but then you need to be pissed when DAMON DOES THE EXACT SAME THING! Elena was coming to grips with being a vampire and accepting her fate BEFORE her “switch” was flipped. Before. Let that sink in. Maybe she really doesn’t want the cure, now. The men in her life need to stop making decisions for her. All of her fathers are dead, thank you very much.
Stefan, Caroline, and Klaus begin to search through Shane’s office to find clues. When Klaus mentions using minions for errands, I almost rubbed up against the screen. I like my villains to revel in their evil, OK? The broody, guilt-ridden ones who ONLY act out of shame and sadness are B-O-R-I-N-G. Don’t get me wrong, Damon’s existential angst scene was a thing of beauty, but he never lost his edge. Vampires with no sharp edges should lose their sharp fangs, as well, in a symbolic castration. Just saying.
“Don’t underestimate the allure of darkness, Stefan. Even the purest hearts are drawn to it.” This is so delicious, I want to eat it with a spoon, but sadly it is also wrong. He is alluding to Caroline, but Caroline’s heart is far from pure, as we will see later. Care finds a clue as to what Shilas will be doing next...
...and it’s to have Bonnie kill witches. Now, as we’ve seen on this show, witches kinda suck, but I wouldn’t wish for 12 to die. Except Abby. Abby can die again and again. They need to convince Dad to call in some witchy back-up and I must say the exploding window trick is a bit more intense than the normal exploding lightbulb, so nice choice. Dark “Imma Cut a Witch” Bonnie is also more interesting. I’m sensing a pattern.
I’m in punk rock heaven.
And so is Elena. Watch her dance and see the joy in it. This is not an emotionless girl. This is just one who chooses not to be consumed by the misery that is her life. She has let that go for a time so she may live a little. It cuts back and forth to Lexi making obviously googly eyes at Damon and I see where this is going immediately. Damon shares a treat with Elena and then calls Rebekah over for a sip. You know Damon is not in his right mind when he walks away from girl-on-girl action.
Bonnie meets with the witch Asia *eye roll* in the middle of the forest in the middle of the night, as people are wont to do. Asia thinks she is all slick by bringing her coven with her and that smug superiority will make a very poor death mask. Witches are awful on this show. She brought 11 of her closest friends to the killing, because she knows all about expression, but not that fact that a sacrifice of 12 elevates expression magic to the next level.
Rebekah is smart enough to see that this version of Elena is so much better, but the problem is that this version also sees Rebekah’s weakness. Bex wants a family and all of the “normal” things that go with being human and I want to shake her until her fangs rattle. Don’t be ordinary. The world is full of ordinary people. It also means Rebekah is filled to the brim with emotions that can cloud her judgement. Elena is being coldly rational, which is always obnoxious to emotional people and vice versa. The problem is, the best solutions often rely on a mixture of the two. Now, I would weigh it MUCH heavier on the rational end, but knowing that the world and the people in it do not work in a purely rational manner is helpful when you wish to be Empress. Or so I’ve heard.
Caroline is mapping out where the 3rd sacrifice may be when Klaus gives her a brief geometry lesson and questions whether she skipped her class. Oh, Klaus. That is hysterical. These kids never went to school. They determine there are 2 possible spots to investigate. Stefan comes back from talking to Bonnie’s dad and now they all know about Shilas.
Bonnie is tied to the ground in the middle of the forest. I feel this will appeal to Klaus’s kinky side. He could have brought equipment from his Red Room of Pain. Hey! Not all of the witches are black. That’s a nice change. What isn’t a nice change is when Bonnie’s eyes go white and I start looking for a tarp to duck from the inevitable spew of pea soup. Did they forget to bring an old priest and a young priest?
Damon is searching for information on Katherine in Will’s filing system that goes by date of birth. “June 5, 1473.” Stefan rattled off her birth date like nothing. #Steferine. Damon finds what he is looking for and brags to Stefan about putting on this ruse for Elena. Again, this totally justifies her actions later. He lies to Elena and says he wanted silence to hear Stefan and gives more of the Lexi backstory.
Lexi tortures Damon every night by making him re-live feelings he is trying to get passed. No wonder Stefan is such a wreck. And she is totally wrong when she states Damon hated Stefan. At no point in history has Damon ever hated Stefan. It is very possible to be terribly angry with someone and still love them and if Lexi doesn't get that, then she is the worst fucking therapist in history. That is why Damon was so angry with Stefan, because he loved him. She’s an idiot. As if proving my point, she buys that he has feelings for her. And it doesn’t take any convincing. She wants to believe it. So this is where Stefan learned his DENIAL. Don’t get me wrong, I would jump his sleeveless shirt in a heartbeat, but I would never be so stupid as to think it was because he had feelings for me. I would be well aware it was an act, but I WOULD. NOT. CARE. Oh, Lexi. Cracking me up is Elena’s reaction when she pulls her arm away from the bar thinking that is where the deed went down. Heh. Even funnier is the way Rebekah faceplants the dude who touches her hair when Elena signals to her.
Klaus and Caroline traipse through the woods none too quietly looking for Bonnie, and work on their emotional issues at the same time. Caroline gets snippy about Klaus’s map reading skills and the CW has a new show for the fall, “My Friend Magellan.” Klaus is right there there is nothing more powerful than feeling as if a person who is dark and dominant is willing to do anything for your happiness. Caroline admits that she was once drawn to that, but now he is unworthy. Wait. He was worthy when he was using your BFF as a sacrifice, killing her Aunt, and terrorizing your friends, but now he is unworthy. OK, then. Uh, Caroline, you have done some pretty terrible thing, so I guess that makes you a terrible person as well. And I say that before you do the most horrible thing of all very soon.
Stefan finds the witches and the coven, barging in and say Bonnie intends to kill them all because she works for Silas. May not have been your brightest move there Stefan as Asia *eye roll* brings out a knife to cut the evil right out of Bonnie. Asia is still super smug as she gives Stefan the witchy migraine and I am not at all sad about her eventual fate.
This is where we see another juxtaposition between coldly rational and emotional, and in this the rational is dead on. Literally. To save Bonnie they would have to kill 12 other people which will bring down the wall to the other side. THIS IS A VERY STUPID THING TO DO! Caroline is purely emotional. This is her friend and she is willing to do this VERY STUPID THING in order to save her. I just love how these people are so pious about not having one of their own die, but anyone else can be slaughtered without nary an eye blink. So now Caroline has killed 12 people that were even more innocent than 11 of the 12 Klaus killed. Never again think you are any better than he is, Caroline. It doesn’t matter the justification, because surely you know Klaus has his own rationalizations. You are a mass murderer and killed without compunction to get what you wanted. Never forget this.
“The triangle is complete.”
Elena seduces him on the rooftop and he doubts her motivations, but he so wants to be seduced. Her hand goes to Damon’s ass, as any hand is going to do, but he is on to her and pulls back. Admittedly, she was doing the other Damon special, sex as a form of manipulation. He is wrong in that he invented it, but correct that he took it to a whole new level.
Final flashback to the next morning with Lexi. There is usually an after-glow to good sex, but this is not what she had bargained for. Damon trapped her up here and I just realized she has no sunlight jewelry. Wait. Stefan was her friend for all of these years and never got a piece made for her? That’s pretty shitty, if you ask me. He tells her it is payback for the 6 months of emotional torture and that seems about right. He goes on to say her return to Mystic Falls brought back all of the guilt over things he had done and he doesn’t want that for Elena. He then killed Lexi to get rid of his guilty reminder. Yeah, that seems like it would backfire.
Elena has been reading my recaps, because she rightly points out all of the emotions these people seem to experience with their emotions set to “none”. Damon wants to give her the cure so she can go back to being the old Elena, and now I want to stake Damon. Idiot.
It is not like the other time he forced something on her. When he made her drink his blood, it was either die permanently or come back as a vampire. That was it. No other options. Now, it is not Evil Elena vs. Good Elena, with nothing in between. She could stay strong as she is now and have an eternity to find her right path. If she fucks up, she can redeem herself. This ideal of Elena wrapped in virginal pure refinements needs to be purged from all of their minds. He wanted her free and fearless, well she is. Deal with it and stop taking her choices from her, like every other asshole in Mystic Falls did since she was born. She is now reborn and deserves to live her own life. And I don’t buy the justification he uses about wanting to keep her from having regrets. Fucking go with her, Damon! Actually have fun from city to city and make sure she keeps herself somewhat in check instead of being one more person who is trying to fix that which is not broken.
And the way he says he will take away her choice in order to make her take the cure, has me cheering his own neck-snapping that occurs. I never thought that day would happen, so I guess congratulations are in order for whomever decided to take the one person with a real redemption arc on this show and turn him into a paternalistic jackhole. Well done.
Bonnie awakens in her bed and has no memory of anything since the island. “How did I get off the island.” “Well, see, there is this frozen donkey wheel that when turned...nevermind.” Quick! Ask her about the Dharma Initiative before you smack her in the face with reality.
“I know arithmetic isn’t your strong point, but 1 is still less than 12.” Damn. Klaus is uber-pissed because of the whole Hell on earth thing, but that smackdown, and the one to come is a thing of beauty. Yes, Caroline, he was going to let one person die to keep 12 and eventually millions, from dying. I understand that in your group no one’s life has any importance if you all don’t love them, but that is a form of psychopathology in its own right.
“You look like you’re in need of comfort. Why don’t you find someone less terrible you can relate to.” Ouch. Way harsh, but #TruthBombs usually are.
Now Klaus gets to meet Shilas.
Thelma and Louise drive off in Damon’s car and hopefully not off the nearest cliff. That whole exchange, especially his indignation over taking his car, was a thing of beauty.
When judged side-by-side, Damon’s screw up does really pale in comparison to Stefan’s, so there is that.
Klaus and Silas have there confrontation and Klaus is cool until the white oak stake is brought out. What makes this so interesting is that he goes stone cold when Shane takes a verbal jab at Rebekah. Klaus is allowed to do as he pleases to Bex, but anyone else using her in any way brings out the protector in him. That clenched jaw tells a story of a deep, brotherly love. Klaus goes for Shilas and winds up with the stake in his back and IF HE HURTS ONE DIMPLE ON THAT MAN I WILL BURN THE WHOLE MOTHERFUCKING TOWN TO THE GROUND! Look, I understand nothing is happening to Klaus because of the spin-off, but I had a very visceral reaction to that scene that involved starting to sew a Shilas voodoo doll.
My magic can’t possibly be any worse than Bonnie’s.