I now understand why the show has been going with the opening where Stefan states “Love brought me to Mystic Falls” and it does not please me in the slightest. As I discussed last week, the idea of a love that is destined to be, thus irrelevant in regards to the people involved, horrifies me. You mean there is nothing about the wonders that is me which makes you love me? It is something in my DNA like eye color or susceptibility to allergens that causes your heart to go pitter patter? Then you can keep your love and I will strive to find someone who finds my addiction to supernatural soap operas and penchant for singing at the top of my lungs in my car charming. I KNOW HE IS OUT THERE and his dance will be the cure for frigidity.
Oh, and I was promised The Rippah and I was hella (Can I still say hella?) ripped (See what I did there?) off. THIS WAS STILL MOPEY STEFAN AND I WANT MY MONEY BACK! Where was I? Oh, yes, a recap.
Stefan shambles down the road like he’s an extra from The Walking Dead, only with even more reasons to be depressed. He is finally out of the box, but has a desperate need for blood similar to my need for thin mints and his hair is fucked to high heaven. Can you imagine what he smells like right now? I once left a swimsuit in a plastic bag for a couple weeks when I returned from vacation and the entire thing required a hazmat suit to dispose of. She should have smelled him the moment he walked through the door and grabbed a shotgun or a hose, is what I’m saying. He is on her immediately to get a bit more nourishment, but when he tells her to run, as he still has his humanity, I want to set fire to every person who was involved in the Rippah promos and tags. It is always better when they run, but not when they run out into the light, thus frying the younger Salvatore. I almost think he welcomes death at this point. At least he didn’t allow his martyr complex to be washed away with his mousse.
Elena gasps awake due to her “psychic bond” with Stefan. Damon acknowledges that this is causing his own issues in the pit of his stomach, having to hear how she is connected to her ex-boyfriend. His brother. Who she slept with and claimed was her epic love. Elena is smart enough to realize she may need to slow her roll on this, but not smart enough to realize you always preface anything distressing with morning sex. LOOK AT HIM! I would be all “Stefan who? Oh, him. Yeah, we’ll discuss that dream as soon as we act out the other one I had involving us naked in the backseat of your car.”
Damon sucks down the bile in his throat like Stefan was sucking water for months to hear what she dreamt. Her vision is vague, but here comes our girl Kat to save the day and to answer one of the two big issues I had over this bond bullshit. (The other is answered in a few minutes in ways that makes me even happier than this reveal.) As it turns out, the other doppelganger residing in the boarding house has also been receiving the same visions. So much for Elena and Stefan’s special and singular bond.
Kat gives them more details to go on and as they peruse maps, She finally takes care of her tresses (What is with this show and hair as another character?) and calls shotgun for their roadtrip. SHE CALLED IT, PEOPLE and yet somehow she ends up in the backseat. One of the first signs of the breakdown in civilization is ignoring the immutable power of calling shotgun. No one wants to be a part of this fucked-up threeway, although I bet Damon has had more than one dream of his own involving both if these gals, but Damon wants Kat where he can see her if Silas wants her so badly. Kat calls Elena America’s Most Boring, Self-Righteous Vampire and I object! Stefan still has that title with Caroline in a close second. Elena is only a distant third in this pageant of awfulness. (FYI - I have been one of the most vocal defenders of Elena around, but she burnt through a great deal of good will I had for her this episode. You’ve been warned.)
Kat knows how to dig in the knife and proclaims her undying affection for Stefan must be influencing this connection and since Elena is having similar visions, she must have the same feelings. At this point Damon breaks up the smirkfest to get them on the road. I wonder if this is the point he is questioning his own track record with ladies wearing this face?
Silas proves again to be the more interesting doppelganger progenitor by positing that Gregor may not be quite as dead as he hoped. He has connected all the dots before him; Matt’s eternity ring, Gregor possessing bodies, death not always being so final and determined Nadia needs to check on our favorite busboy and kill him for good. Watch it, buddy. There are some lines you do not cross on this show and fucking with Darling Donovan is one of them. The other is screwing with Damon’s car AND I WILL NOT TALK ABOUT THOSE PROMOS FOR NEXT, OK? Nadia, of course, already thought of these things and is staring at Matt even as she proclaims all this is impossible.
A sweaty Stefan awakens to threaten the new love of my life. Did I know she was going to be the love of my life from the first second I saw her? Yes. Yes I did. Stefan is all “Run now before I eat you to pieces.” And she is all eyerolls and “Here’s a blood bag. Quit whining you big baby.” The other reason I love her is she fills in ALL the blanks and answers ALL the questions I had in regards to this SL so far. She had the owner of the cabin they are now ensconced in pull Stefan’s box from the quarry and that is the death Sheriff Forbes is covering up at this very moment, I’m sure. She is also the one to save Stefan from the sun.
She asks what Stefan’s knowledge of Silas is. “He is a bloodthirsty immortal who killed even more people than me! I mean, than I can count!” People always seem to forget which of the two brothers has a higher body count and is just as much of a serial killer. The people all aflutter over Damon admitting he was such last week should stop for a minute and think which of these two has that side under better control; the brother who knows what he is, faces it, and tries to do better or the one who denies who he is, what his past was, and already thinks he is better. I have said it before, the sinful man who proclaims his holiness is far more dangerous than the man who accepts his sins as part of himself.
“He’s a monster.” And now we get a little glimpse into the cracks in Stefan’s facade. Do you think he looks at Silas and truly sees himself? Do you think a small part of him wonders if by killing Silas he will kill that part of him who is also a monster? Along with being the king of denial, Stefan is also the king of projection. “You’re no good for her, Damon.” “You can’t drink human blood, Caroline.” “You shouldn’t enjoy manacles as much as you do, Klaus.” All things Stefan is trying to stifle in himself. Especially the manacles part. He’s not getting far, however, without his daylight ring.
Tessa (We haven’t been told her name yet, but that is what she wants to go by and I will do whatever she asks of me.) flashes back to a time when Silas had curls not nearly as swoon worthy as Damon’s Civil War ones, and a toga so goddamn ridiculous I am instantly in love with it. She speaks of a time when Silas and his soul mate thought they would spend eternity together. Stefan jumps to the end and blames all Silas’s troubles on “some witch”. She goes along, at this point, with this mansplained version; Silas fooled Qetsiyah into making an immortality spell, he took it to his real love, Qetsiyah dumped his ass in a tomb with the cure, and here we are today. Stefan has the balls to snark on someone else being rational and well-adjusted. SIlas’s goal is to find the cure, become mortal, die and bypass limbo, and find peace with his one true love.
Stefan is not sure why Tessa would have an issue with this, seeing as how she is supposed to be the soul mate. Why not just live happily ever after with Silas? Here is where my heart grows three sizes for Qetsiyah. She goes all HISTORY IS TOLD THROUGH THE LENS OF THE PATRIARCHY AND I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS BULLSHIT. I just had a femi-gasm. FUCK YEAH! Just look at some of the older historical texts, especially biblical ones. If women are even mentioned at all they are either the subservient nothing at the back of the room or the wanton vixen, tempting the poor man down the road to destruction. The virgin or the whore. Eve with the apple. Helen bringing down Troy. Yoko breaking up the Beatles. All spun as ways to remove blame from the decisions a man has made. Although it thrills me to no end to think we women have such control over the hapless men around us, that is a load of shit and you all know it. Tessa knows it and she is about to school Stefan on the real tale. She is not an innocent in her version, but she is not simply the scorned woman, either. She is Qetsiyah, bringer of justice and she will have her day! I think I need a minute.
Kat = Poke. Poke poke. Poke poke poke.
Nadia approaches Matt and offers to keep him safe from Silas. He is just suspicious as a person should be who has been possessed. She calls forth Gregor and HOLY FUCK, what happened to my Matty? He want from lovable pile of puppies cute, to I want to hump him in that gross alley hot. All of the awards to Zach Roerig this week. I still don’t want Greger to be permanently in this body, but just long enough for him to have a seriously violent sex scene with Rebekah. Or Katherine. Or Jeremy. DON’T JUDGE ME HE WORKS OUT! Matt calls Elena to get the low down on his future wallbang.
Qetsiyah returns with herbs to do some kind of mojo I am going to love while Stefan is rifling for a cellphone that he will probably just break anyway because he is hell on a gal’s phone. She asks to be called Tessa not only because it is easier on the mouth and spellcheck than Qetsiyah, but it also might be found on a keychain. (Handhearts Tessa) Stefan needs to dial down his judgmentalism a notch or 50 because it is working my last nerve.
We flashback again and see a wedding day that was never intended to be. Tessa was completely in love and did everything Silas asked of her. A humiliation in front of an entire village upon the discovery that not only was the groom not coming, but he was a manipulative asshole who did all of this for some other woman. He lied to Tessa, used her most egregiously, stole magic from her, and forced her to go through this disgrace in the most public of ways. He ripped her heart out. FORESHADOWING! I’d say the mother fucker got off easy.
We always choose how we react to adversity and I cannot say, after what has been going on in my own personal life for the past few months, that I blame her in the slightest. Sometimes people need to be called on the carpet for their actions and if that involves creating a new circle of hell, so be it. She tracked his ass down, since if you are a witch powerful enough to create an immortality spell, lojack on an ex-boyfriend is no biggie. She discovers he is pouring salt in all her wounds by using this potion with one of her own handmaidens. Amara is, or course, the progenitor of the Petrova doppelganger line. We all knew this, but it was nice to have confirmation. Tessa is spilling her guts and unloading buckets of info, making this storyline sing and a billion times more interesting than the one in New Orleans. (Sorry, The Originals!)
Nature must have balance so mortal shadow selves were created who could die in place of the creatures who could not. At this point Stefan wonders what Tessa is brewing so she tells him some story about making him a daylight ring and saying then she will need his help.
Team We’ve all Had Sex With One Another, Just Not Together finally stumbles on the bar from the doppelgangers’ vision. They leave Kat sleeping in the car, because they have decided she has the brain this week and go inside. Damon doesn’t fuck around so goes right for the compulsion and this show does what it does best, TELLS YOU STUFF. Stefan bit the bartender, she ran, he caught on fire, some lady helped him out, and the truck belongs to a dude that lives down the road. Oh and by the way, here is a shot glass full of vervain. Nadia strolls out looking for Kat, who has just entered herself.
“Which one of you is Katherine Pierce?” “She is!” Hahahahahaha! I snort laughed so damn hard, even though it completely gave herself away. Elena actually works to protect Kat and it is made evident that Nadia is a vampire. Notice how Damon makes sure Elena is OK first before checking on anything else? Yeah, this will be important later. Elena suggests they split up and Damon agrees as long as she immediately cuts off the chase if there is any possibility she will come to harm. She will always be his first priority and he FUCKING DESERVES THE SAME CONSIDERATION.
Stefan broods over Tessa’s shoulder which is throwing off her concentration. Honey, get use to it. She acknowledges that with the mental abilities as such as has been established, Silas is pretty much unstoppable. He used his time in the tomb to draw people in for light snacks, perfecting the mind whammy. Stefan wonders if Amara is in a similar tomb and it all begins to come together; what precipitated the cure and how Silas came to be in that tomb alone.
We have another flashback, this time of Qetsiyah washing her hands of the matter, quite literally. She has two gifts for the runaway groom. I already know what is in that chalice and there is no way this show will disappoint me. I am squeeing and bouncing on my seat before the reveal. The second gift is the immortality cure and that is the first time I have heard the phrase “the cure” and not immediately wanted to barf. Oh, she knows it works alright, because she already gave it a trial run on the other traitorous half of this pathetic duo.
Silas was a wee bit nervous from moment one, but right about now he realizes that this is not some silly little girl. There will be consequences to his actions, ones which he had no way to conceptualize due to his limited creative capacity. Heartbreak and betrayal are powerful forces for coming up with retribution unlike any other and Qetsiyah was quite artistic in her blood spatter painting.
I LOVE IT! I am sick TO DEATH of wimpy female characters who are eye candy for the men who are directing the tale. “You want to come at me, bitch? I have ripped out one heart in seeking solace for my pain, but my work is not done until you have also paid the ferryman.” Paraphrasing, of course. She offers him a way out. Take the cure and go back to the way they were. Live a human life together. What? She did give him a second chance. He refused her and thus the entombing. The “It’s Complicated” relationship status has never had a better example.
So let me get this straight. She dropped him in the tomb with the cure, thinking he would eventually go insane and decide to escape it all. Once he did, he would find in death, not the peaceful afterlife he believed in, but the new plane created by Qetsiyah filled with all the supernatural creatures. A barrier still existing between him and his happily-ever-after. Even in death he would be stuck with the consequences of his actions. (Blinks)
“I have trust issues. I’m controlling. And paranoid. And a little crazy.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Step aside, Katerina Petrova, there is a new psychotic bitch in town and she is PERFECTION. I want to be her BFF, her minion, and her partner in crime. I would eat her up with a spoon. Ignore me nuzzling her neck while she gives Stefan an aneurysm. How’s it working out for her? Just fine.
Elena finds a Kat surprisingly happy to see her as she hightails it through the woods. Elena explains to a puzzled Kat that she let her live to try and reclaim her humanity. I don’t think Katherine ever lost it, she just never had the luxury to wallow in it like some others. Maybe allow her a shred of peace without running from one monster or another for a day or two and she might turn out to be no different than you are, Elena, just with better hair and a tad less sanctimony. Nadia snaps the morality police’s neck and Kat prefers to remain conscious during her abduction.
Damon finds the cabin and a bound Stefan he is unable to free before Tessa can come in. Lord knows, it pisses me off when someone uses a version of my name I dislike, so I feel you girl. Tessa is going to bind Stefan with Silas and diminish Silas’s compulsion power so she can force him to take the cure. Damon talks down to her about being too late as Katherine has already taken it. You all are going to very quickly learn to stop underestimating this one. She shrugs, because SHE KNOWS ALREADY and wants to know why Kat is not with Damon, seeing as how SHE IS THE ONE WHO HAS BEEN SENDING THE VISIONS AND NOT BECAUSE OF A SPECIAL TWOO WUV LINK THROUGH THE CENTURIES. Suck it.
Damon and Tessa face off, neither of them blinking, and the heat is delicious. She is his superior in many ways, but also his equal.
Let’s list the ways they are perfect for each other:
1. Fixated on love. Tessa for thousands of years. Damon for 150.
2. Unwilling to show fear and happily race into danger, unblinking.
3. Sarcasm oozing off so many quick-witted taunts.
4. Ruled by their emotions, but able to still be intelligent.
5. Made to feel second-best by the same set of faces.
We switch back and forth between two scenes. Tessa has begun the spell while Nadia leads Kat back to her car where Silas is already waiting due to use of technological magic and not supernatural. Silas has no further need for Nadia now that he has Kat and gets inside Nadia’s head to force her to shoot herself. Unfortunately for him, Tessa’s magic hits the target much more accurately than any of her ancestors ever did and he loses this power over Nadia before the trigger is pulled. That brain melting looked painful, yo. Look, if you want to make an immortal omelet you have to break a doppelganger or two. Tessa is not wimpy.
Tessa was watching the Mystic Falls soap opera from the other side and questions whether Damon really wants Stefan to return and ruin his happy home. She then lays out how versions of Stefan and Elena have been falling in love across centuries, driven to be together through no compunction of their own but mystical forces that are trying to right the wrong done to their ancestors so long ago. My feelings are this may well be true, but once the two lovers (Silas and Amara) are united, there is no point to the continued repetition of the pattern. I can even believe these two shadow selves were meant to be together - Stefan and Katherine. YOU CANNOT HAVE IT BOTH WAYS STELENA FANS.
Let me spell it out for you. The universe worked to bring together these two soul mates who were destined to love each other, Stefan and Katherine. Love each other they did, but they were torn apart by forces beyond their control. Then, this same universe repeated itself with Stefan and Elena. OK. Either the bond already happened and Kat is the one he is supposed to be with, or it is SO MUCH BULLSHIT that if they live long enough and another doppelganger is born, Stefan may go for the new one. OR maybe it will be Elena this time falling for the next shadow with that face. STEFAN WAS ALREADY WITH A DOPPELGANGER SOUL MATE. If that is not so, then how do we know Elena is the right one? Maybe he needs to wait another century or two for his third chance at a love so perfect and true anyone with that face can succumb to it. OR MAYBE the point is to break the pattern of searching, finding, loving, and losing each other by FINDING SOMEONE WHO LOVES THEM FOR WHO THEY TRULY ARE AND NOT AS THE FULFILLMENT OF SOME “EPIC”ALLY FUCKED UP FATE. There is no fate but the one we make. If this isn’t so, what is the point of living any life as we have no control over it.
Damon opines about leaving Stefan, but because he has redeemed himself far more than anyone gives him credit, of course he is not leaving without his brother. No matter what it costs him. Damon wants real love more than anything. He can taste it more profoundly than that last drink of bourbon he shared with Alaric (drink!). He would never, at this point, accept a cheated version. What would a hero do, Damon? This.
Tessa tosses him and Elena runs in screaming for Stefan, hastening to his side without once sparing a glance at Damon who is crumpled in a heap on the floor. Not even a fucking, “Are you OK?”, while she ministers to his brother. This was the moment she began to lose me. The compassionate Elena Gilbert can’t spare a drop of it for the man willing to lose everything over and over for her.
Nadia has Kat squirreled away somewhere gnashing on junk food while SIlas tries to track them down. Silas has figured out that Qetsiyah is alive and will be heading to Mystic Falls. He praises her endlessly. What? Calling her driven, ruthless, and a threat to him isn’t praise? Huh. Anyway, his hatred of Katherine (the beginning of any love story, heh) is balanced out by his need for her. Yes, boys and girls, the cure is still in play and it is running through Katherine Pierce’s veins. Think about the possibilities, won’t you? I am sure more than one could be cured. I hated the cure last season, but I am going to remain calm about its re-emergence until I see where they are going with it.
Matt wakes up in a mess of mud and blood due to a call from Elena and he has no idea what the hell she is talking about in regards to an earlier call. He is never getting those stains out of the marble or out of his marbles.
Damon tells Elena what Tessa told him about their fate and it is quite obvious he believed her. He is not in denial at all about what he is up against, but our boy believes even more in real love. He knows its power and he will gladly face down the entire universe for Elena. “You are my life.” Will she ever truly comprehend what that means and how far he will go to prove it? I hope she never has to, nor he.
Stefan awakens with a big, “And you are…?” GOOD! Maybe without all the baggage he can find his own version of true love and not what the universe has thrown at him. Might I suggest a blonde who needs the memory of a hybrid, or two, screwed right out of her?
What did you think? Leave a comment or tweet me for some love - @SalvatoreBH or @MaddieSBH.