So much hypocrisy, so little time. That’s the theme for today’s recap, so strap on and let’s get right to it. Reminder - I tell you exactly as I see it and never filter. I never intend to offend anyone.
A single side note - I know I made the mistake during the first episode, but we all need to stop referring to Silas as Stilas or whatever. No, Silas is not wearing Stefan’s face. He had it first and that is all he is. We don’t call Katherine Kalena, because that would be really stupid seeing as how she was here first and THAT IS ACTUALLY HER FACE.
We begin with Bonnie breaking down the events of the most recent Mystic Falls “Let’s Throw a Party so Someone Can be Brutally Murdered HoeDown and Crime Scene Extravaganza”. If I were these people, I wouldn’t even have a party at Chuck E. Cheese. She is calmly recounting how she had to watch and do nothing while her father’s throat was slit. Can you imagine the powerlessness in that moment, even more so than a regular human facing a psychopath? She once had the ability to stop the mightiest vampires with her mind and now she cannot even give hot Jeremy a hug. She is beginning to get past the self-imposed denial she has been using to try not to lose her damn mind with the situation she is in. There are hairline cracks in the facade and once shattered it is going to be ugly. It’s lovely to see the torture of Bonnie has replaced the torture of Damon show. Wait! Spoke too soon, I see. More on Damon torture later.
Silas wants Katherine (who doesn’t?) and Bonnie is determined to keep her from him. I get why she has decided this, but it makes absolutely no sense for the rest of our gang to agree. Bonnie is never going to experience another real moment of bliss, so why should Silas? There is a bit of misplaced anger here, as they are thinking their current predicament is the fault of Silas. No, you idiots, it is your own fault. If you had ALL been willing to accept the non black and white thinking of only seeing the horror of being a vampire, you would not have desperately searched for a FUCKING STUPID CURE, knowing you could be unleashing not only a billion year old villain but also every other supernatural creature who had died, many of whom you all knew would be gunning for you. There was not one smart thing about the cure SL, in terms of rational thinking, a thing Damon use to be so good at. Damon is the only one being somewhat rational about Katherine. He wants to use her as leverage to get his brother back. The rest should want to hand her over in the hopes Silas would fuck right off out of town with his twoo wuv’s doppelganger.
And here is our pretty girl now. Oh, Kat. I want to give you a Silkwood shower and a breath mint. She has no idea the entire town is after her, which leads to an interesting little Invasion of the Body Snatchers moment, but instead of mindless screeching, she gets A FACEFUL OF MACE! Here is where the survival skills of one Kat Pierce are shown to exist far outside of her previous vampire nature; she cold tackles this chick and clocks her. Atta girl! Being a vampire had nothing to do with her will to survive; that is more fundamentally a part of her than her hair color. It’ll be a little harder to unarm Matt Donovan, but don’t think she won’t try.
The next pandering, erm I mean scene, shows Stefan hallucinating an interaction with Elena that once again highlights how these two make each other so much less interesting.
Can I have a little sidebar? It is NOT the actors or the chemistry. Just last week Paul and Nina had a moment as Kat and Silas which was hot! Twisted and creepy, but hot! I am dying to see more of that. Yet as Stefan and Elena, they are one big yawn or even more unforgivable they make each other insufferable. I find it interesting that he hallucinates back to when they were first together, possible before she even knew he was a vampire. You can tell it in the way their hair is and how they are dressed. This is Stefan at his most dangerous and I already knew how this was going to end up from what would appear to any outsider as the epitome of a sugary sweet interaction. This was never their reality and even though the episode is ostensibly named for the lies Damon told, it is really more about the lies we tell ourselves.
Bonnie - “It’s no big deal to be dead. I can still see everyone and talk to hot Jeremy, so what can truly be the down side? Other than never being touched or being able to lend a hand in any of the tragedy I witness and being stuck in supernatural limbo for all eternity.”
Caroline - “Tyler will come back any minute now and Elena will go back to Stefan. One day we will all settle down in matching houses that share a backyard, throwing the most perfect block parties anyone has ever seen. Of course, we haven’t spoken in months and there is no way suburbia with children and PTA is in my future, but let’s not quibble.”
Stefan - “I am not a monster. I am not a monster. I am not a monster. I am not a monster. I am not a monster. I am not a monster. I am not a monster. I am not a monster. I am not a monster. “
Why did I put nothing else in Stefan’s denial? Because there is nothing else in Stefan’s denial. His entire existence is centered around the premise he is the good guy. Elena was his proof of that. If he can get this golden girl to love him then that shows he is the hero worthy of his hair. She is perfection personified and no more real than this watery daydream. Elena herself spoke of how objectified she felt with Stefan, so don’t just take my word for it. Every time this becomes his sole focus, the ripper is not far behind. Oops. Did I give things away? Then blame Plec and company because this sunshiny moment telegraphs the darkness to come.
Even Elena agrees with me when she starts puking up a gallon of quarry water.
Speaking of denial, Elena and Caroline are packing up their temporary roomie’s things and Caroline has decided she is going to withhold sex from someone who isn’t even there asking for it. Elena swiped Megan’s medical records and discovered there is a group covering up supernatural deaths here on campus, one of which is apparently the town coroner and a college professor. Good lord, show runners. That’s a bit of a stretch, don’t you think? The girls are now going to take Applied Microbiology to meet this man and Caroline wigs out. “I was supposed to be a drama major!” Honey, you already have a masters in drama and well on your way to an honorary doctorate. Elena learned Damon’s lesson well; to be able to survive you must sometimes infiltrate the enemy camp.
Damon has figured out Silas used their own plan against them and Stefan is probably in the bottom of the quarry, which he is. God, it feels so good to have Damon be always right again. Liz is completely unable to justify dredging the quarry seeing as how she is all distracted in covering up Rudy’s murder, but the heartfelt (and guilt-laced) plea from Damon gets her to have a few deputies actually do some police work. Shocking!
Team Donovan/Gilbert is currently tying up Kat in Matt’s truck and that sentence just launched 100 kinktastic fanfictions. Those blue eyes undo me as well, Kat, especially when they are filled with Matty tears. I am so going to break later. Damon is shocked the two dude-bros are using their mental skills, but they have never been given enough credit, especially Matt. He has somehow been taking care of himself since I would imagine, um, ever and occasionally a mentally unstable sister and self-centered mother. He is the most mature person in the entire city of Mystic Falls and possibly the east coast.
Jeremy intones that the ropes are necessary and more pleasant than a bullet while trying to make Kat feel guilty about her survival skills. She has 500 years of experience at being the pawn in someone else’s game and she will have none of it.
“How many people have you killed using that excuse.” All of them, Matty. If you cannot see the tragedy of Kat’s existence, then I question your empathy. She and Elena actually have much in common; constantly the object that some man wishes to use or possess, but rarely the one seen or appreciated for who they are. I am willing to bet the original of them was similar. Silas was willing to undergo a transformation of unknown consequence to be with her, to have her for all eternity. I would not be surprised if it turns out the Original Tatia/Kat/Elena FC is not as in love with Silas as he has deluded himself into believing after several millennia in stasis. That would be the poetic irony to the Petrova doppelganger line; doomed to being the obsession of a man who does not see her as anything but an extension and validation of himself.
“I am the moonstone” - Katherine Pierce
“I am a broken toy.” - Elena Gilbert
“I am the vampire catalyst.” - Tatia
“I am the love ideal.” - Doppelganger Progenitor
It’s cute Jesse! I love cute Jesse! I am giggling over Caroline’s love for tiny things, but I’m willing to bet Jesse’s thing isn’t tiny at all. (I am so sorry. I cannot look at this guy without thinking SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX. He is absolutely adorable, which taps into my arousal zone. DON’T JUDGE ME!) There is going to be a bonfire later, showing Whitmore College is exactly like Mystic Falls with its continued need for parties that end poorly. The party is the bad decision, but not grinding all over Jesse, is what I’m saying.
A new year and a new creepy teacher, Dr. Maxfield and I hate him instantly. None of them will ever be Alaric (drink!), so just stop now. Can we make the next guy a dentist or mechanic or something? Each new one makes me miss Alaric more. That isn’t the reason I hate him, it’s because he is so fucking smugly arrogant and above them all and I had professors like him. I am sure he wrote the textbook they’ll be using and only wants his words regurgitated at him. I’M HAVING A WORLD POLITICS FLASHBACK PEOPLE AND I STILL HATE YOU PROFESSOR ANDERSON! Sorry about that. I also hate that he will probably be another person part of some horrible group that in theory is trying to do good, but is using the most vile methods to do it. “The road to hell is paved with good intentions” is a popular saying for a reason. He immediately sniffs out the fresh blood (heh) and sends them on their way.
Damon is highly offended his protege used none of the tools in her vampire toolbox to get info from the prof and I tend to agree. He totally cops to what he is, a reformed serial killer, and Elena asks what a hero would do. Elena says Stefan’s name and Damon assumes she is asking what he would do since they are speaking of heroes. My poor eternal stud with the inferiority complex. “Probably mope at them.” is one of so many good lines he has.
Anyway, no, Elena is mentioning Stefan because he is standing in front of her, she thinks. You know Damon is immediately burning miles to get to her. Nothing will ever be as important to him as keeping her safe.
I cannot express how much I love Silas. He takes passive aggressive manipulation to new heights. It is a thing of beauty to watch him hit all of Elena’s sore spots over Damon, proving she has not completely accepted Damon as he is. This will get ugly.
Speaking if getting ugly, there is nothing I love more than a snotty Katherine, but normally I mean when she is sarcastic and not filled with actual snot. She is using any excuse she can to separate our wonder twins. She knows she can probably take one out, but not both. Matt goes for some Sudafed and Jeremy TURNS HIS BACK ON KATHERINE thus proving Damon to be right about baby Gilbert. Now how in the fuck this gas station dude knows who Elena Gilbert is or has been influenced this far out of town take suspension of disbelief to a whole other level. Matt disarms him and Kat is nabbed by Jeremy. That run for it was so sad to watch.
“Damon! Towel! Knock!”
“Caroline. No one cares. No.” Damon has no time for it and just wants to know where Elena is. As he throws clothes at Caroline, he is informed about Elena’s spidey sense in regards to Stefan. Ouch. I winced as the little dagger of doubt pierced his heart.
Silas has Elena’s phone, trying to call Jeremy and decides to keep it. Girl should have 50 backups because guys with that face keep fucking with them. Here is where Elena pisses me right off. Silas has the ability to see into people’s heads and use their greatest doubts and fears against them. She immediately believes the spin Silas is putting on events and never once stops to say she’d like her phone back to hear Damon’s side of the story. If you love someone you give them the benefit of the doubt. After all he has done and all his growth, deep down she still sees him as the bad guy. Ugh.
Silas is informed via text and Elena that Jeremy is heading towards an old campsite off Route 9 while Damon frantically searches for Elena. Instead, he is subjected to Silas snark.
“What I don’t get is why she likes you.”
“That’s because you haven't had sex with me.” (Raises my hand.) Um, I would like to be convinced of the reasons Elena is with you. I am filled with doubt, so please FILL ME with this proof. I may take some convincing, so feel free to really ram the point home. An in depth analysis as we thrust towards the climax of ultimate knowledge and come together in understanding. I need a cigarette.
The panic is Damon’s eyes over what Silas could have done with Elena is matched by the panic in his heart that Silas is right and he will never meet Elena’s expectations of a good partner. He is in full freak out mode and Caroline is trying to be the calming influence. It is working about as well as you’d expect. They really should have looked for the nearest keg, because that is where she always seems to be found at these things. Jesse helps her get a quickly chugged beer and earns more cute points. Look, I am not stupid and I am sure Jesse will turn out to be part of this cult or whatever he tells Elena about, but until then he earns all kinds of points with me every time he appears. He offers to give her info if she helps carry firewood. DON’T YOU GRAB HIS LOG, ELENA, THAT IS FOR CAROLINE AND YOU WILL BE FAITHFUL! One bop from Damon and Jesse is down for the count. “I kinda liked him...and was hoping he would fuck the thought of Tyler right out of my head!” Sorry, just completing Caroline’s sentence for her.
Another place, another fire, but this time it is our trio of travelers (heh).Kat never needed to use a gun and so never learnt to use one, like that would stop her. Humanity is kicking her ass and even Jeremy looks to have a bit of sympathy when she recaps how rough her life has been. He places a jacket on her gently and I am suddenly team Jatherine. Shush! Half the time when Jeremy hugs Elena it is far too sexual in my book, so this is a slightly less skeevy way for it to happen.
Matt is approached by Silas and able to avoid his brain whammy by warning Jeremy. We see that what happened last week in the alley was the yammering guy was using Matt as a vessel to spy. Silas snaps Matt’s neck and thank fuck he has the eternity ring, or I would have killed the screen. This is a beautiful and horrible thing the show now does to us as Bonnie appears to guide Matt back to his body. We get a glimpse of what happens every time a wearer of the ring dies and how Esther was able to fuck with Alaric’s (drink!) head. I also like the part where each death takes you farther from the body you must find to reconnect before returning to the land of the living. Explains why it takes longer for the person to re-awaken each time and is consistent with the show mythology THANK GOD!
Elena and Damon return to the dorm room where she immediately mauls him with her mouth. I love how he half-assed pretends to put up a fight, but his actions are in conflict. “We should wait...screw it! Keep up with the musicless lap dance and tackle the smaller issues later.” Of course Elena is only doing this to distract him so the brain voodoo Silas has done on her can take control and she can incapacitate Damon before killing him. That’ll kill the mood real fast. They just get points for remember mythology and now I take them away. I thought they all learnt the trick from Katherine of ingesting a little vervain to be immune to it? Caroline last week and Damon this week prove they have stopped. Why? That is so stupid.
Damon spits vervain water on Elena and she snaps out of it for a moment. The anger begins to take over her again when Damon attempts to explain what is going on. Her fury is the trigger for her actions. She just staked herself to a chair to keep from hurting Damon. I can barely remember birthdays. That's love, bitches!
My heart is melting faster than that popsicle Caroline is placing on Jesse’s hot face. They bond over the relationships that naturally fade away when people graduate high school to follow different paths. Tyler’s wanders through the foothills of Appalachia and Caroline’s down a runway. It is not to judge one better than the other, but to acknowledge that they are both valid, however incongruent. Klaus saw that in her and Hayley saw that in Tyler. They now need to see it in themselves.In summation, Jesse is trying to tell Caroline that Tyler is already humping some wolf girl doggie style in the forest somewhere.
“That’s why people treat you like an object and not like a person.” Jeremy partially gets it, but she was an object before she did her first bad act. He is going back for Matt and she just wants to burn rubber. Speaking of Matt, he is trying to come to terms with the fact Bonnie is dead while acknowledging she has not accepted it at all. There are Matty tears and I am undone. There is nothing like Matt crying that destroys me.
Jeremy finds Matt’s body and Silas was merely using it as a trap. He figures out that Matt must not be dead and without being able to read Jeremy’s mind, he serves no purpose. Jeremy delineates Silas’s shortcomings. “Plus I work out.” I snort-laughed so hard at this I spilt my drink. STEVEN MCQUEEN IS THIS GENERATIONS KEANU! There is totally hot fighting until Silas rams a stick right through himself to stab Jeremy. It is only the shoulder and not the chest as it first appeared. Is Jeremy going to be nearly killed on a weekly basis? Could we not have that happen? Thanks. Silas is about to chop Jeremy into tiny pieces when Katherine shoots him a couple times. That’s my girl. She’ll figure out whatever it takes to survive and she is NOT the heartless vixen as some believe.
Elena is having her anger amplified by Silas, but when she says the “what is wrong with you” part, I want to stab her other leg. HOW THE FUCK IS ANY OF THIS DAMON’S FAULT? He certainly didn’t think you needed the fucking cure and would have left it molder for a million more years. And you were the one who burnt your house down and made Jeremy go back to school where he was bullied into reacting. And he was more than willing to turn Kat over to rescue his brother from the psycho your little adventure unleashed. DAMON COULD HAVE WASHED HIS HANDS OF ALL OF MYSTIC FALLS’ MESSES LONG AGO! A couple of them he didn’t even create himself, so lets back off on blaming everything on him from the consequences of your own actions to the popularity of the Kardashians.
Here my sweet, evil, sexy monster puts aside his own anguish and taps into her guilt over Stefan to turn it into a reason for living and suppressing the murderous compulsion. I can’t recap this as it breaks my own heart, as well. Bottom line, no gas boom.
Matt and Bonnie find his body and he realizes he will soon forget she is dead. He wants her to come clean with the rest of the gang, but she is not ready. She has not found peace and there are more tears. Matt awakens while Jeremy walks after Bonnie. They are able to deal with the details of the cover up, but neither of them can deal with the bigger picture. Bonnie is dead, so unless there is another magical loophole, the cover up means jack shit.
Silas is hungry, grabbing a knife and cup to get a sip of the clerk. If he were as badass as he proclaims, he’d just jam a straw in the dude’s jugular and suck him down like a juice box. Here is Nadia and the yammering dude and fuck me they actually went there with “gypsies”. After all the African American witch kerfluffle and inability to allow even one to survive, I have to wonder if there is NO ONE of color working on this show? Must we tap into every stereotype? It’s kinda gross. The travelers have apparently always wanted Silas nicely tucked away, but Nadia shows she’s a gal unwilling to be a follower and stabs yammering guy in the throat. I’d love a peek at her agenda myself.
Elena made it through a whole day of college before leaving. Progress? The girls are finally starting to worry about Bonnie after three months. Gosh, isn’t that swell. A big hug and off they go to solve separate mysteries. Professor Smugpants strolls up to speak to Elena about admiring her dad and blah blah blah I know you’re a phony forger blah blah blah. Call me when this SL has some traction.
There is a sweet moment where Elena and Damon both address the elephant in the room and it appears to be healthy. Her having a connection to Stefan sucks for him, but he loves her. She wants to save Stefan, but she loves him. Nice.
Not so nice is the condition of the poor hiker found stuffed in the gun safe that has been discovered in the woods. Someone got that safe out of the water and set him free. I guess Elena’s imaginary love was not enough to keep him from turning it off after all. Surprise surprise. Which means, we get THE RIPPAH! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES.
I’ll finish up this recap with that hypocrisy I was talking about. Besides all of it throughout the episode, I am referring to the Stelena fans thrilled to pieces over the psycho, er psychic, connection Elena has to Stefan. First of all, this makes no damn sense. If they are doppelganger soulmates, why did she never feel this before in their relationship? Remember when he was taken by the tomb vampires? No connection. Travelling with Klaus? No connection. Ran out of mousse? NO CONNECTION. Also, Katherine is experiencing none of this and she is just as much a doppelganger. “Oh, but Stefan and Elena are special.” Um, isn’t this even worse than the sire bond you all loved to use as proof that Damon and Elena were phony? It was clearly explained that the sire bond is predicated on existing feelings, but you all screamed that this was the only reason Elena loved Damon. Well, if this doppelganger link is real, then Stefan and Elena NEVER had natural love for each other. This “connection” was there before they met and has nothing to do with the two people who exist now. It is purely hocus pocus and completely meaningless. It is Twilight level creepiness of Jacob imprinting on a fucking fetus and the immature thinking that says this is somehow cosmic and not gross. I would NEVER want the kind of love that only exists because of my DNA and has nothing to do with the flawed and fabulous person I am. I am not a moonstone. I am not a broken toy. I am not the extension of thousands of years of mythology. I am me and shouldn’t that be enough? It is enough for Damon.
Please leave a comment or yell at me on twitter, @MaddieSBH or @SalvatoreBH.
A single side note - I know I made the mistake during the first episode, but we all need to stop referring to Silas as Stilas or whatever. No, Silas is not wearing Stefan’s face. He had it first and that is all he is. We don’t call Katherine Kalena, because that would be really stupid seeing as how she was here first and THAT IS ACTUALLY HER FACE.
We begin with Bonnie breaking down the events of the most recent Mystic Falls “Let’s Throw a Party so Someone Can be Brutally Murdered HoeDown and Crime Scene Extravaganza”. If I were these people, I wouldn’t even have a party at Chuck E. Cheese. She is calmly recounting how she had to watch and do nothing while her father’s throat was slit. Can you imagine the powerlessness in that moment, even more so than a regular human facing a psychopath? She once had the ability to stop the mightiest vampires with her mind and now she cannot even give hot Jeremy a hug. She is beginning to get past the self-imposed denial she has been using to try not to lose her damn mind with the situation she is in. There are hairline cracks in the facade and once shattered it is going to be ugly. It’s lovely to see the torture of Bonnie has replaced the torture of Damon show. Wait! Spoke too soon, I see. More on Damon torture later.
Silas wants Katherine (who doesn’t?) and Bonnie is determined to keep her from him. I get why she has decided this, but it makes absolutely no sense for the rest of our gang to agree. Bonnie is never going to experience another real moment of bliss, so why should Silas? There is a bit of misplaced anger here, as they are thinking their current predicament is the fault of Silas. No, you idiots, it is your own fault. If you had ALL been willing to accept the non black and white thinking of only seeing the horror of being a vampire, you would not have desperately searched for a FUCKING STUPID CURE, knowing you could be unleashing not only a billion year old villain but also every other supernatural creature who had died, many of whom you all knew would be gunning for you. There was not one smart thing about the cure SL, in terms of rational thinking, a thing Damon use to be so good at. Damon is the only one being somewhat rational about Katherine. He wants to use her as leverage to get his brother back. The rest should want to hand her over in the hopes Silas would fuck right off out of town with his twoo wuv’s doppelganger.
And here is our pretty girl now. Oh, Kat. I want to give you a Silkwood shower and a breath mint. She has no idea the entire town is after her, which leads to an interesting little Invasion of the Body Snatchers moment, but instead of mindless screeching, she gets A FACEFUL OF MACE! Here is where the survival skills of one Kat Pierce are shown to exist far outside of her previous vampire nature; she cold tackles this chick and clocks her. Atta girl! Being a vampire had nothing to do with her will to survive; that is more fundamentally a part of her than her hair color. It’ll be a little harder to unarm Matt Donovan, but don’t think she won’t try.
The next pandering, erm I mean scene, shows Stefan hallucinating an interaction with Elena that once again highlights how these two make each other so much less interesting.
Can I have a little sidebar? It is NOT the actors or the chemistry. Just last week Paul and Nina had a moment as Kat and Silas which was hot! Twisted and creepy, but hot! I am dying to see more of that. Yet as Stefan and Elena, they are one big yawn or even more unforgivable they make each other insufferable. I find it interesting that he hallucinates back to when they were first together, possible before she even knew he was a vampire. You can tell it in the way their hair is and how they are dressed. This is Stefan at his most dangerous and I already knew how this was going to end up from what would appear to any outsider as the epitome of a sugary sweet interaction. This was never their reality and even though the episode is ostensibly named for the lies Damon told, it is really more about the lies we tell ourselves.
Bonnie - “It’s no big deal to be dead. I can still see everyone and talk to hot Jeremy, so what can truly be the down side? Other than never being touched or being able to lend a hand in any of the tragedy I witness and being stuck in supernatural limbo for all eternity.”
Caroline - “Tyler will come back any minute now and Elena will go back to Stefan. One day we will all settle down in matching houses that share a backyard, throwing the most perfect block parties anyone has ever seen. Of course, we haven’t spoken in months and there is no way suburbia with children and PTA is in my future, but let’s not quibble.”
Stefan - “I am not a monster. I am not a monster. I am not a monster. I am not a monster. I am not a monster. I am not a monster. I am not a monster. I am not a monster. I am not a monster. “
Why did I put nothing else in Stefan’s denial? Because there is nothing else in Stefan’s denial. His entire existence is centered around the premise he is the good guy. Elena was his proof of that. If he can get this golden girl to love him then that shows he is the hero worthy of his hair. She is perfection personified and no more real than this watery daydream. Elena herself spoke of how objectified she felt with Stefan, so don’t just take my word for it. Every time this becomes his sole focus, the ripper is not far behind. Oops. Did I give things away? Then blame Plec and company because this sunshiny moment telegraphs the darkness to come.
Even Elena agrees with me when she starts puking up a gallon of quarry water.
Speaking of denial, Elena and Caroline are packing up their temporary roomie’s things and Caroline has decided she is going to withhold sex from someone who isn’t even there asking for it. Elena swiped Megan’s medical records and discovered there is a group covering up supernatural deaths here on campus, one of which is apparently the town coroner and a college professor. Good lord, show runners. That’s a bit of a stretch, don’t you think? The girls are now going to take Applied Microbiology to meet this man and Caroline wigs out. “I was supposed to be a drama major!” Honey, you already have a masters in drama and well on your way to an honorary doctorate. Elena learned Damon’s lesson well; to be able to survive you must sometimes infiltrate the enemy camp.
Damon has figured out Silas used their own plan against them and Stefan is probably in the bottom of the quarry, which he is. God, it feels so good to have Damon be always right again. Liz is completely unable to justify dredging the quarry seeing as how she is all distracted in covering up Rudy’s murder, but the heartfelt (and guilt-laced) plea from Damon gets her to have a few deputies actually do some police work. Shocking!
Team Donovan/Gilbert is currently tying up Kat in Matt’s truck and that sentence just launched 100 kinktastic fanfictions. Those blue eyes undo me as well, Kat, especially when they are filled with Matty tears. I am so going to break later. Damon is shocked the two dude-bros are using their mental skills, but they have never been given enough credit, especially Matt. He has somehow been taking care of himself since I would imagine, um, ever and occasionally a mentally unstable sister and self-centered mother. He is the most mature person in the entire city of Mystic Falls and possibly the east coast.
Jeremy intones that the ropes are necessary and more pleasant than a bullet while trying to make Kat feel guilty about her survival skills. She has 500 years of experience at being the pawn in someone else’s game and she will have none of it.
“How many people have you killed using that excuse.” All of them, Matty. If you cannot see the tragedy of Kat’s existence, then I question your empathy. She and Elena actually have much in common; constantly the object that some man wishes to use or possess, but rarely the one seen or appreciated for who they are. I am willing to bet the original of them was similar. Silas was willing to undergo a transformation of unknown consequence to be with her, to have her for all eternity. I would not be surprised if it turns out the Original Tatia/Kat/Elena FC is not as in love with Silas as he has deluded himself into believing after several millennia in stasis. That would be the poetic irony to the Petrova doppelganger line; doomed to being the obsession of a man who does not see her as anything but an extension and validation of himself.
“I am the moonstone” - Katherine Pierce
“I am a broken toy.” - Elena Gilbert
“I am the vampire catalyst.” - Tatia
“I am the love ideal.” - Doppelganger Progenitor
It’s cute Jesse! I love cute Jesse! I am giggling over Caroline’s love for tiny things, but I’m willing to bet Jesse’s thing isn’t tiny at all. (I am so sorry. I cannot look at this guy without thinking SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX. He is absolutely adorable, which taps into my arousal zone. DON’T JUDGE ME!) There is going to be a bonfire later, showing Whitmore College is exactly like Mystic Falls with its continued need for parties that end poorly. The party is the bad decision, but not grinding all over Jesse, is what I’m saying.
A new year and a new creepy teacher, Dr. Maxfield and I hate him instantly. None of them will ever be Alaric (drink!), so just stop now. Can we make the next guy a dentist or mechanic or something? Each new one makes me miss Alaric more. That isn’t the reason I hate him, it’s because he is so fucking smugly arrogant and above them all and I had professors like him. I am sure he wrote the textbook they’ll be using and only wants his words regurgitated at him. I’M HAVING A WORLD POLITICS FLASHBACK PEOPLE AND I STILL HATE YOU PROFESSOR ANDERSON! Sorry about that. I also hate that he will probably be another person part of some horrible group that in theory is trying to do good, but is using the most vile methods to do it. “The road to hell is paved with good intentions” is a popular saying for a reason. He immediately sniffs out the fresh blood (heh) and sends them on their way.
Damon is highly offended his protege used none of the tools in her vampire toolbox to get info from the prof and I tend to agree. He totally cops to what he is, a reformed serial killer, and Elena asks what a hero would do. Elena says Stefan’s name and Damon assumes she is asking what he would do since they are speaking of heroes. My poor eternal stud with the inferiority complex. “Probably mope at them.” is one of so many good lines he has.
Anyway, no, Elena is mentioning Stefan because he is standing in front of her, she thinks. You know Damon is immediately burning miles to get to her. Nothing will ever be as important to him as keeping her safe.
I cannot express how much I love Silas. He takes passive aggressive manipulation to new heights. It is a thing of beauty to watch him hit all of Elena’s sore spots over Damon, proving she has not completely accepted Damon as he is. This will get ugly.
Speaking if getting ugly, there is nothing I love more than a snotty Katherine, but normally I mean when she is sarcastic and not filled with actual snot. She is using any excuse she can to separate our wonder twins. She knows she can probably take one out, but not both. Matt goes for some Sudafed and Jeremy TURNS HIS BACK ON KATHERINE thus proving Damon to be right about baby Gilbert. Now how in the fuck this gas station dude knows who Elena Gilbert is or has been influenced this far out of town take suspension of disbelief to a whole other level. Matt disarms him and Kat is nabbed by Jeremy. That run for it was so sad to watch.
“Damon! Towel! Knock!”
“Caroline. No one cares. No.” Damon has no time for it and just wants to know where Elena is. As he throws clothes at Caroline, he is informed about Elena’s spidey sense in regards to Stefan. Ouch. I winced as the little dagger of doubt pierced his heart.
Silas has Elena’s phone, trying to call Jeremy and decides to keep it. Girl should have 50 backups because guys with that face keep fucking with them. Here is where Elena pisses me right off. Silas has the ability to see into people’s heads and use their greatest doubts and fears against them. She immediately believes the spin Silas is putting on events and never once stops to say she’d like her phone back to hear Damon’s side of the story. If you love someone you give them the benefit of the doubt. After all he has done and all his growth, deep down she still sees him as the bad guy. Ugh.
Silas is informed via text and Elena that Jeremy is heading towards an old campsite off Route 9 while Damon frantically searches for Elena. Instead, he is subjected to Silas snark.
“What I don’t get is why she likes you.”
“That’s because you haven't had sex with me.” (Raises my hand.) Um, I would like to be convinced of the reasons Elena is with you. I am filled with doubt, so please FILL ME with this proof. I may take some convincing, so feel free to really ram the point home. An in depth analysis as we thrust towards the climax of ultimate knowledge and come together in understanding. I need a cigarette.
The panic is Damon’s eyes over what Silas could have done with Elena is matched by the panic in his heart that Silas is right and he will never meet Elena’s expectations of a good partner. He is in full freak out mode and Caroline is trying to be the calming influence. It is working about as well as you’d expect. They really should have looked for the nearest keg, because that is where she always seems to be found at these things. Jesse helps her get a quickly chugged beer and earns more cute points. Look, I am not stupid and I am sure Jesse will turn out to be part of this cult or whatever he tells Elena about, but until then he earns all kinds of points with me every time he appears. He offers to give her info if she helps carry firewood. DON’T YOU GRAB HIS LOG, ELENA, THAT IS FOR CAROLINE AND YOU WILL BE FAITHFUL! One bop from Damon and Jesse is down for the count. “I kinda liked him...and was hoping he would fuck the thought of Tyler right out of my head!” Sorry, just completing Caroline’s sentence for her.
Another place, another fire, but this time it is our trio of travelers (heh).Kat never needed to use a gun and so never learnt to use one, like that would stop her. Humanity is kicking her ass and even Jeremy looks to have a bit of sympathy when she recaps how rough her life has been. He places a jacket on her gently and I am suddenly team Jatherine. Shush! Half the time when Jeremy hugs Elena it is far too sexual in my book, so this is a slightly less skeevy way for it to happen.
Matt is approached by Silas and able to avoid his brain whammy by warning Jeremy. We see that what happened last week in the alley was the yammering guy was using Matt as a vessel to spy. Silas snaps Matt’s neck and thank fuck he has the eternity ring, or I would have killed the screen. This is a beautiful and horrible thing the show now does to us as Bonnie appears to guide Matt back to his body. We get a glimpse of what happens every time a wearer of the ring dies and how Esther was able to fuck with Alaric’s (drink!) head. I also like the part where each death takes you farther from the body you must find to reconnect before returning to the land of the living. Explains why it takes longer for the person to re-awaken each time and is consistent with the show mythology THANK GOD!
Elena and Damon return to the dorm room where she immediately mauls him with her mouth. I love how he half-assed pretends to put up a fight, but his actions are in conflict. “We should wait...screw it! Keep up with the musicless lap dance and tackle the smaller issues later.” Of course Elena is only doing this to distract him so the brain voodoo Silas has done on her can take control and she can incapacitate Damon before killing him. That’ll kill the mood real fast. They just get points for remember mythology and now I take them away. I thought they all learnt the trick from Katherine of ingesting a little vervain to be immune to it? Caroline last week and Damon this week prove they have stopped. Why? That is so stupid.
Damon spits vervain water on Elena and she snaps out of it for a moment. The anger begins to take over her again when Damon attempts to explain what is going on. Her fury is the trigger for her actions. She just staked herself to a chair to keep from hurting Damon. I can barely remember birthdays. That's love, bitches!
My heart is melting faster than that popsicle Caroline is placing on Jesse’s hot face. They bond over the relationships that naturally fade away when people graduate high school to follow different paths. Tyler’s wanders through the foothills of Appalachia and Caroline’s down a runway. It is not to judge one better than the other, but to acknowledge that they are both valid, however incongruent. Klaus saw that in her and Hayley saw that in Tyler. They now need to see it in themselves.In summation, Jesse is trying to tell Caroline that Tyler is already humping some wolf girl doggie style in the forest somewhere.
“That’s why people treat you like an object and not like a person.” Jeremy partially gets it, but she was an object before she did her first bad act. He is going back for Matt and she just wants to burn rubber. Speaking of Matt, he is trying to come to terms with the fact Bonnie is dead while acknowledging she has not accepted it at all. There are Matty tears and I am undone. There is nothing like Matt crying that destroys me.
Jeremy finds Matt’s body and Silas was merely using it as a trap. He figures out that Matt must not be dead and without being able to read Jeremy’s mind, he serves no purpose. Jeremy delineates Silas’s shortcomings. “Plus I work out.” I snort-laughed so hard at this I spilt my drink. STEVEN MCQUEEN IS THIS GENERATIONS KEANU! There is totally hot fighting until Silas rams a stick right through himself to stab Jeremy. It is only the shoulder and not the chest as it first appeared. Is Jeremy going to be nearly killed on a weekly basis? Could we not have that happen? Thanks. Silas is about to chop Jeremy into tiny pieces when Katherine shoots him a couple times. That’s my girl. She’ll figure out whatever it takes to survive and she is NOT the heartless vixen as some believe.
Elena is having her anger amplified by Silas, but when she says the “what is wrong with you” part, I want to stab her other leg. HOW THE FUCK IS ANY OF THIS DAMON’S FAULT? He certainly didn’t think you needed the fucking cure and would have left it molder for a million more years. And you were the one who burnt your house down and made Jeremy go back to school where he was bullied into reacting. And he was more than willing to turn Kat over to rescue his brother from the psycho your little adventure unleashed. DAMON COULD HAVE WASHED HIS HANDS OF ALL OF MYSTIC FALLS’ MESSES LONG AGO! A couple of them he didn’t even create himself, so lets back off on blaming everything on him from the consequences of your own actions to the popularity of the Kardashians.
Here my sweet, evil, sexy monster puts aside his own anguish and taps into her guilt over Stefan to turn it into a reason for living and suppressing the murderous compulsion. I can’t recap this as it breaks my own heart, as well. Bottom line, no gas boom.
Matt and Bonnie find his body and he realizes he will soon forget she is dead. He wants her to come clean with the rest of the gang, but she is not ready. She has not found peace and there are more tears. Matt awakens while Jeremy walks after Bonnie. They are able to deal with the details of the cover up, but neither of them can deal with the bigger picture. Bonnie is dead, so unless there is another magical loophole, the cover up means jack shit.
Silas is hungry, grabbing a knife and cup to get a sip of the clerk. If he were as badass as he proclaims, he’d just jam a straw in the dude’s jugular and suck him down like a juice box. Here is Nadia and the yammering dude and fuck me they actually went there with “gypsies”. After all the African American witch kerfluffle and inability to allow even one to survive, I have to wonder if there is NO ONE of color working on this show? Must we tap into every stereotype? It’s kinda gross. The travelers have apparently always wanted Silas nicely tucked away, but Nadia shows she’s a gal unwilling to be a follower and stabs yammering guy in the throat. I’d love a peek at her agenda myself.
Elena made it through a whole day of college before leaving. Progress? The girls are finally starting to worry about Bonnie after three months. Gosh, isn’t that swell. A big hug and off they go to solve separate mysteries. Professor Smugpants strolls up to speak to Elena about admiring her dad and blah blah blah I know you’re a phony forger blah blah blah. Call me when this SL has some traction.
There is a sweet moment where Elena and Damon both address the elephant in the room and it appears to be healthy. Her having a connection to Stefan sucks for him, but he loves her. She wants to save Stefan, but she loves him. Nice.
Not so nice is the condition of the poor hiker found stuffed in the gun safe that has been discovered in the woods. Someone got that safe out of the water and set him free. I guess Elena’s imaginary love was not enough to keep him from turning it off after all. Surprise surprise. Which means, we get THE RIPPAH! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES.
I’ll finish up this recap with that hypocrisy I was talking about. Besides all of it throughout the episode, I am referring to the Stelena fans thrilled to pieces over the psycho, er psychic, connection Elena has to Stefan. First of all, this makes no damn sense. If they are doppelganger soulmates, why did she never feel this before in their relationship? Remember when he was taken by the tomb vampires? No connection. Travelling with Klaus? No connection. Ran out of mousse? NO CONNECTION. Also, Katherine is experiencing none of this and she is just as much a doppelganger. “Oh, but Stefan and Elena are special.” Um, isn’t this even worse than the sire bond you all loved to use as proof that Damon and Elena were phony? It was clearly explained that the sire bond is predicated on existing feelings, but you all screamed that this was the only reason Elena loved Damon. Well, if this doppelganger link is real, then Stefan and Elena NEVER had natural love for each other. This “connection” was there before they met and has nothing to do with the two people who exist now. It is purely hocus pocus and completely meaningless. It is Twilight level creepiness of Jacob imprinting on a fucking fetus and the immature thinking that says this is somehow cosmic and not gross. I would NEVER want the kind of love that only exists because of my DNA and has nothing to do with the flawed and fabulous person I am. I am not a moonstone. I am not a broken toy. I am not the extension of thousands of years of mythology. I am me and shouldn’t that be enough? It is enough for Damon.
Please leave a comment or yell at me on twitter, @MaddieSBH or @SalvatoreBH.