I swear I let out a heavy sigh after this episode and probably not for the justifications others did. One of the reasons I always loved The Vampire Diaries is that many of the characters were so smart. As seasons went by, that seemed to dwindle down until the only consistently smart character was Damon. With this season, I can honestly say that even Damon is acting like a moron and I can’t even with that bullshit. And maybe my bad mood is because Silas has taken over my form as well and this is actually Saddie typing. Lord knows, he hit everyone else. With that out of the way, let’s recap this bitch.
Are they intentionally trying to turn me into an alcoholic with the replay of Jeremy dying every week?
It’s a shame that I realized this was a dream sequence immediately due to the appearance of a Jeremy headstone at the Gilbert cemetery plot. My obsession with this show has a life of it’s own when I remember Elena saying Jenna and John got the last spots. Plus, Robo-Elena cremated Jeremy’s ass and probably has him sitting in an urn by the beer pong table in the Boarding House, which I gave NO ONE permission to set up.
Wake up.
What?
Bonnie, wake up!
I don’t understand.
WAKE UP!
Could you repeat that?
BONNIE OPEN YOUR EYES!
The who with the what now?
And this right here, my friends, exemplifies exactly what has happened over and over and over all season. One character lays out exactly the terrible shit they are about to walk into and the others scratch their heads like the first person is speaking in Mandarin.
Trying to kill or take on Klaus is a bad idea.
Tyler - It’s not like he holds a grudge and wants to bang my woman. What could possibly go wrong?
Ignoring Robo-Lena when she tells you her desires will blow up in your face.
Stefan and Damon - Feeding into the notion of the patriarchy with a woman who has the agency to show your ass who’s really in charge - what could possibly go wrong?
Completing the Hunter’s mark will lead to very bad things.
Jeremy - Imma kill some more people we don’t care about and pretend I’m still moral. What could go wrong?
Bringing about the zombie apocalypse is a fuck ton worse than being a vampire.
EVERY PERSON ON THIS SHOW BUT KOL - Meh. *shoulder shrug*
Ya’ll, I’m so tired of this season. I still love this show and will even survive human Damon (shut up, you know it’s happening), but I want my smart people back. They are all acting like idiots on a teen supernatural soap opera WHICH THIS SHOW HAS NEVER SIMPLY BEEN. I’m never going to make it to the end of this episode with my capslock still functioning, am I?
So Bonnie almost went up in a blaze, but I’ll be hoping for her death all episode and not because I dislike Bonnie. I think Bonnie’s potential is off the charts, but she is the key to starting the zombie apocalypse, so girl needs to die. I’m with Elena on this one. One death, even of a person you love, vs. THE DEATH OF ALL OF HUMANITY INCLUDING EVERY SINGLE PERSON YOU LOVE. Sorry Caroline, math really isn’t that hard on this one.
They are playing football in the living room and I am torn between wanting to be the football - naked skin hurtling towards their chests and being clasped hard by their hands - and being concerned about the antiques. I may have been caretaker here for too long.
Plan A is the Lexi Plan. I’m not sure I need to watch anymore from here. Why did they ever think for even a minute being super-sweet to Robo-lena would do anything? First, we all know that flipping the switch does NOT TURN OFF YOUR FUCKING EMOTIONS MY GOD! It switches off your humanity, so you just don’t give a flying fuck. Think about a time you had no fucks to give. Was someone being sickening sweet to you in any way able to sway you? Fuck no. The only way you could be motivated was for someone to piss you off. Elena has been chock full of emotions these past several weeks, just not ones in which she gave a damn about other people. They should have gone for her anger button right off the bat and not her love button. NOT THAT LOVE BUTTON you perverts. Although, a good orgasm can make you give a damn again, so that should have been higher on the list than a sappy PowerPoint presentation of sentimental photos. And secondly, THE LEXI PLAN DID NOT FIX STEFAN IT ONLY FUCKED HIM UP IN OTHER WAYS. Stefan is a ticking time bomb of emotional issues, ready to explode on the nearest person that gets a papercut. And Lexi RUINED the relationship between Stefan and Damon. Yes, they had issues before that, but Lexi cemented the idea in Stefan’s head that Damon was the bad brother and he was the saint and that bullshit is what keeps me from warming to Stefan. No matter how perfect your hero hair is, you are no better than Damon, Stefan. Actually, the denial has always made you worse. Remember kids, Damon owns his guilt. It’s a shame how they wrote Lexi, because Arielle is hysterical and so much fun. #Sneakbrag That version of Lexi was hinted at when she first appeared, but each subsequent appearance lowered her esteem in my eyes.
Damon is a tad bit skeptical of Stefan just riding off into the sunset and he will soon discover he is right to doubt. But I jump ahead to the ass grab.
This is the worst family meeting in history. Admittedly, my family’s “Do we spend a week at the beach or a week in the mountains this vacation?” got pretty contentious, but it’s no “How exactly will our actions bring about the least amount of death and destruction?” although the silent treatment from my cousin lasted for 3 weeks and I wanted to stuff her in a box. The arguments on both sides are very compelling:
Klaus - I, and everyone else will be tormented for all eternity by a man who simply wishes to be reunited with his lost love, something you lovesick fools should appreciate. Also we’d get our brothers, Kol and Frank? Flip? Flan? back. (I want Kol back after discovering what a complete doll Nate is. #SneakBrag)
Rebekah - I want a simple life knowing each day counts and every pimple, late car payment and menstrual cramp has meaning. Oh, and the death and destruction thing.
Yeah, I can’t help mocking Bekah along with Klaus. She has such a romanticized view of humanity and it should really be the whole “let’s not destroy the world” things she should be concentrating on.
One thing I will say, if this glare down between Klaus, Elijah, and Rebekah is any indication of what we could see on The Originals, I need to line my TV with asbestos. Klaus’s last words to Rebekah are cruel and yet honest. He is no secret softie, like some Klaroline fans wish him to be. He is a monster. A dimpled, deliciously accented, hot as sin, cocky bastard. I don’t want him woobified. I will rant more about The Originals at the end of this. You’ve been warned.
Judge Elijah hands down his verdict and Bekah is on parole. She must spend one day as a human and then she may have the cure. I knew immediately she would be faced with a moral quandary later. Poor plot point.
Elena is living with Rebekah and I would love to watch an episode of that slapstick comedy. Maybe they could name it “Beauty and the Bitch” and replace that nightmare that follows TVD now? Wouldn’t even need to change the hashtags. They are going to go to prom together because no one wants Bekah to get the cure more than Elena. I imagine she wants that more than Bekah at this point.
Caroline, Bonnie, and Matt are going to the Prom together and Caroline pretends that’ll be the niftiest thing ever. Oh, Care, no one buys that lie. Not any of the girls who have ever gone with friends on Prom Night. Robo-lena snarks at Bon and Care, and I’m sorry but I love it.
And here is Robo-Lena in Caroline’s dress! Hah! This is what emotion looks like, people. But I am super-pissed at this scene. Elena is living with Rebekah, so why couldn’t Stefan and Damon take her as well? Why did she have to go by herself? That is one big ole limo and they’ve both slept with her, so a ride and pseudo-date to the Prom IS THE LEAST THEY COULD DO. Assholes.
“Don’t eat the Prom Queen.” In a little while I will be screaming EAT THE PROM QUEEN at my screen.
Caroline is on a tear about her gown and Klaus’s eyebrows cannot get any higher about her ridiculous issue and thinking why this should have any importance to him. Until she says the magic words.
“This is important to me.”
Yep. Klaus is on it, now. Although, I am having a hard time imagining why Klaus is lugging around royal ball gowns all these years, unless he has a secret he would like to share with the rest of the class. No judgements!
“Pictures of You” by The Cure. Perfection.
I want to punch Stefan and Damon in their smug faces when they give the knowing nods to each other like this simple photo of Elena and Matt will bring her back from the grief OF LOSING EVERY SINGLE PERSON SHE LOVES AND HAVING NO FAMILY LEFT. There is no much throat punching that needs to occur this episode.
Oh, Matt. Every single event Caroline puts on is a practice run for her wedding. Look! She’ll even show up in a practice wedding gown to this.
Has Damon ever acted this awkward around a woman before in his life? The real Eternal Stud would have Damon danced Robo-Elena right out of her panties by now and fucked her in the coat room. That, my friends, is how you get her turned on. Er, her humanity turned on. I can tell you it’s a fact that when he touches you, you want to rip your clothes right off. #SneakBrag No. Instead he talks of boyfriends and seriously? How lame is that? Robo-Elena of course claims her attestations of love were due to the sire bond and before all the Stelana fans lose their panties, this means nothing. She is out to hurt everyone and see how well it worked? Damon always doubted it was real anyway.
And this Elena knows exactly which buttons to push. Now that I think about it, I am bitching about stupid people, but Elena is damn smart this episode. She goes for the jugular with every barb and finds her mark. Matt would have gladly turned off his emotions after Vicki. Bonnie has no confidence in her magic and feels like she lets everyone down. Stefan can’t believe that anyone would willingly choose Damon over him, the better brother. I kinda want Elena to go around MF and do this to everyone.
And now my heart breaks. Jeremy stands before her, all grown up and adorable in his tux. If this is a dream, please allow her to live it for the rest of her life. She stumbles slightly over her dress and heels in her race to get to him and have a final dance. After having had Steven R. McQueens arms around me, twice, I don’t blame her. #SneakBrag Her tears are those of someone who loved and lost but sees her redemption in front of her. This is Silas at his most cruel, not when he fucks with your body but with your very soul.
And now I need to hate on Stefan. How does he decide to help Elena regain her emotions? Why, by showing that deep down she is really still in love with him and all that Damon nonsense wasn’t really. Let me seduce you on the floor in front of my brother whose own feelings are unimportant, as usual. Oh, and I’m gonna grab your ass for good measure and lean in to kiss you, BECAUSE IF I’M GOING TO BE A JACKASS, I’M REALLY GOING TO SELL IT! And Paul Wesley hates how Stefan pants after Elena. Heard it from his own mouth. #SneakBrag
And now my feelings collide as Panda Bear Matt is mean to Koala Bear Bekah. She is so earnest in her need for his approval and he is so beyond caring about her needs. Really, the two of them are almost exactly alike. My god, I ship Mabekah.
Caroline was going to go all Jerry Springer on Elena’s ass and these idiots stop her. Yep. When I’m being a manipulative bitch the only way to stop me is to give in to me. *Rolls my eyes so hard my teenage self gives me a slow clap.* Stefan and Caroline dance, and there is much tension and subtext. I really like these two as friends, well except for then they team up to be the Gruesome Twosome of Judgmentalism. I’m not sure a love connection would work.
Rebekah wants Prom Queen and Elena wants to help make it happen. I LOVE YOU, ELENA! DON’T EVER CHANGE! Plot Point wants to deny Rebekah this, so I am OK with her death. Although my love slips a little when Elena hits Bekah with her biggest insecurities. Rebekah already believes she is not a good person and deserves all the unhappiness she gets.
Seremy reveals himself and Bonnie reacts with the expected results. She wants Jeremy back, but not at the expense of bringing the wall down. But how long can her resolve and her tenuous grasp on her powers hold?
How did Rebekah get the stake again? I am so confused on the path it took and can’t be bothered to figure it out. Klaus has it now, and is unwilling to trade Katarina’s freedom for it. Elijah speaks of love and chances, but Klaus has never known that. This is why I wish there were more scenes with Klaus and Damon. They are so alike in so many ways. I believe the origin of their pain is also the same. Klaus never knew love growing up and was always the outsider because he literally was not his father’s son. In some AU fanfiction I wrote, the same is true for Damon. Why else would he never have had his father’s love and respect. It was obvious he was the disfavored son long before he fled from the Civil War. As the first born at that time, he should have been revered. I believe that Damon should get a good, long look at Klaus and see his possible future. Obsession caused this and Damon should never allow his obsession for any Petrova to lead him this far afield. History repeats itself in these two men. These two smoldering, beautiful, scrumptious men. What were we talking about?
Even Rebekah sees that Matt is the heart of this town. I just wish she would see she is the heart of her family. She is desperate for any approval, but Matt’s would make her feel complete. And Matt. you save the world just by existing. You are a living reminder of what they all should be striving for. “You’re so beautifully human.” No truer words have ever been spoken.
Caroline and Damon momentarily bond over booze. There is no better way.
Elena eavesdrops and mentions Alaric (Drink!) and how he would try to save her. My dear friend Daniel has me thinking about what would happen if Silas were to appear to Damon as Alaric and I immediately die inside. I can’t even. I imagine I would cry for about a year from the pain of a Salaric. I’m fairly certain Damon would cry along with me and there is nothing more damaging than Damon Tears. Even a Damon Dance won’t fix that.
Plot Point announces Prom King Matt and Prom Queen Bonnie and the fact Bekah doesn’t immediately drain Bonnie dry should prove she has some control. Elena sees the perfect solution in killing Bonnie, and as I said earlier it is cold and calculating and...correct.
I immediately thought this was Syler, because who would be stupid enough to think Prom was important enough to die for? Oh, Caroline, right. Tyler must truly love her to come back for this, so I give Forwood fans props. Caroline gets her Prom dance with Tyler and I must admit to swooning a bit myself. These two have real chemistry on and off the screen, even in QandA sessions. #Sneakbrag
Out of all the times I assumed people were Silas, this actually wasn’t one of them, BUT IT IS ANOTHER MOMENT I WONDERED HOW EVERYONE TURNED SO DAMN STUPID THIS YEAR. Damon just said that everyone should stay at the Prom so Silas can't pick them off one at a time and then goes outside ALONE to drink. Idiot. I didn’t think it was Silas because it was a little too close to what Stefan has really been saying to Damon all along. This wasn’t him tapping into Damon’s deepest fears. This was a repeat of actual words that have actually come out of Stefan’s actual mouth. I’m glad Damon’s not the only idiot, because Stefan must have wondered off as well to be lured by Samon into the woods.
Elena confronts Bonnie and knowing what she knows about Bonbon’s powers, why didn’t she do the sneak attack? All I know is we start to relive the Prom scene from Carrie and I wait for someone to dump a bucket of pig’s blood on Bonnie with “They’re all going to laugh at you” echoing in the background. Don’t even make me talk about their dirty pillows. Bonnie bails as Matt tries to help Elena who has had enough of this bullshit. Plot Point decides this is an appropriate place to show her very bashable head and bitable neck. What? She should have made Rebekah Prom Queen is all we’re saying. *fist bumps Elena*
There is an attempt to make this a mini-cliffhanger as to whether Bekah will save Plot Point, but you all knew she would. Deep down, Rebekah is essentially good, she just has had to deal with her family for centuries. I can barely make it through the holidays with mine before snapping, so I feel her pain.
“Let me guess. An extremely handsome man come up to you claiming to be me.” This is the Damon we know and love. Let’s see more of this.
Bonnie continues her war on inanimate objects by setting off car alarms in her rage against Seremy. Bonnie says she will die before Silas can use her and I’m like, OK. See, even Bonnie is down with Elena’s plan. And now with the sneak attack! But what have we here? Elena begins to choke on Bonnie’s blood and Bonnie heals herself. The Expression magic is no joke! It may even be more magical than Elena’s vagina which apparently has the ability to suck your brains out. (insert blowjob joke here) Bonnie gets her serious dark side on and busts Elena all up. The cavalry rides in to save her and the fear in Elena’s eyes is enough to pull Bonnie back from the edge.
While Bonnie goes off by herself (idiots), Stefan and Damon vervain Elena, because it’s not really a Prom until someone is roofied.
Rebekah and Matt proceed to have the sweetest moment in recorded history. There is way too much blonde beautifulness between them. He shows her acceptance and she lights up from within. He sees her, truly sees her, for the first time and she is lovely. He does the only thing one can do when confronted by very uncomfortable feelings, he turns tail and runs to take Plot Point home.
Klaus is cruel but absolutely right in that how Rebekah acted was anything but human. As humans we are powerless to miraculously save others and raging against whichever gods are your fancy is often the only thing we can do. She acted as a demi-god herself, which is far from human. The back and forth that occurs in disconcerting because it is very hard to tell if it is a juxtaposition between what Klaus is threatening her to do and what she actually does, or if it is something else. It turns out to be the something else in the form of Sebekah who walks off with the cure. Yes, boys and girls, Silas has the cure and is one step closer to the zombie apocalypse. The “oh, fuck” look on Elijah’s face is classic.
Their reunion is short lived as Tyler needs to beat feet before Klaus...too late. There is an interesting underlying tone to Klaus’s rage. Jealousy. That Tyler can be the one to make Caroline’s dreams come true and out of deference to those dreams, he gives Tyler 5 seconds to disappear, which Tyler proves to be not all stupid and does.
Plan C - Make Elena’s life a living hell because she felt fear. I’m guessing this may be the one that actually comes closest to working. Of course what will really bring Elena’s emotions back will be in the finale when Damon turns human and promptly begins to die for some reason. Oh, shut it. You know I’m right. And before you all write me to say “Damon is the biggest draw of the show and they’ll never write him off”, I’ll reply with a “No shit, Sherlock.” Because, you see, the real biggest draw to this show is not just Damon, it is the hope of seeing Damon happy. And once the writers allow that to happen there is no more tension and there is no more show. So I assume Damon will get real happiness right around the time the show is cancelled. This has been Debbie Downer reporting.
Stefan lingers a bit too long at the bars to Elena’s cell, setting up their reunion in Season 5 where they will work together to fix Damon. I hate myself for saying all of this as much as you all hate me.
Klaus finds a cryptic note from Kat that sets up next week’s episode and the backdoor pilot. (See end rant.)
Bonnie meets the Phantom of the Opera where they promptly sing “Music of the Night” and I rock myself to sleep with real rocks.
About The Originals - I have heard much wailing and gnashing of teeth about people boycotting next week’s episode in some kind of attempt to make sure it fails and Klaus has to stay on The Vampire Diaries so that he can making pouty faces at Caroline. Let me explain the real world to you for a moment. TV shows cost money and especially on small networks like the CW, they cannot afford to keep a full roster of very talented, but increasingly costly actors. Joseph Morgan will not play second string forever. Shall I bring up the ghost of Matt Davis to hammer home my point? Be a real fan and support these characters we love so we have them for 2 hours a week instead of one. What more could you possibly want? There is always the possibility of crossover episodes and, I hate to tell you this, but Caroline was never going to be with Klaus. So if your childish temper tantrum causes me to eventually lose Klaus off my television screen. I will hunt down each of you and personally throat punch you. That is all.
Are they intentionally trying to turn me into an alcoholic with the replay of Jeremy dying every week?
It’s a shame that I realized this was a dream sequence immediately due to the appearance of a Jeremy headstone at the Gilbert cemetery plot. My obsession with this show has a life of it’s own when I remember Elena saying Jenna and John got the last spots. Plus, Robo-Elena cremated Jeremy’s ass and probably has him sitting in an urn by the beer pong table in the Boarding House, which I gave NO ONE permission to set up.
Wake up.
What?
Bonnie, wake up!
I don’t understand.
WAKE UP!
Could you repeat that?
BONNIE OPEN YOUR EYES!
The who with the what now?
And this right here, my friends, exemplifies exactly what has happened over and over and over all season. One character lays out exactly the terrible shit they are about to walk into and the others scratch their heads like the first person is speaking in Mandarin.
Trying to kill or take on Klaus is a bad idea.
Tyler - It’s not like he holds a grudge and wants to bang my woman. What could possibly go wrong?
Ignoring Robo-Lena when she tells you her desires will blow up in your face.
Stefan and Damon - Feeding into the notion of the patriarchy with a woman who has the agency to show your ass who’s really in charge - what could possibly go wrong?
Completing the Hunter’s mark will lead to very bad things.
Jeremy - Imma kill some more people we don’t care about and pretend I’m still moral. What could go wrong?
Bringing about the zombie apocalypse is a fuck ton worse than being a vampire.
EVERY PERSON ON THIS SHOW BUT KOL - Meh. *shoulder shrug*
Ya’ll, I’m so tired of this season. I still love this show and will even survive human Damon (shut up, you know it’s happening), but I want my smart people back. They are all acting like idiots on a teen supernatural soap opera WHICH THIS SHOW HAS NEVER SIMPLY BEEN. I’m never going to make it to the end of this episode with my capslock still functioning, am I?
So Bonnie almost went up in a blaze, but I’ll be hoping for her death all episode and not because I dislike Bonnie. I think Bonnie’s potential is off the charts, but she is the key to starting the zombie apocalypse, so girl needs to die. I’m with Elena on this one. One death, even of a person you love, vs. THE DEATH OF ALL OF HUMANITY INCLUDING EVERY SINGLE PERSON YOU LOVE. Sorry Caroline, math really isn’t that hard on this one.
They are playing football in the living room and I am torn between wanting to be the football - naked skin hurtling towards their chests and being clasped hard by their hands - and being concerned about the antiques. I may have been caretaker here for too long.
Plan A is the Lexi Plan. I’m not sure I need to watch anymore from here. Why did they ever think for even a minute being super-sweet to Robo-lena would do anything? First, we all know that flipping the switch does NOT TURN OFF YOUR FUCKING EMOTIONS MY GOD! It switches off your humanity, so you just don’t give a flying fuck. Think about a time you had no fucks to give. Was someone being sickening sweet to you in any way able to sway you? Fuck no. The only way you could be motivated was for someone to piss you off. Elena has been chock full of emotions these past several weeks, just not ones in which she gave a damn about other people. They should have gone for her anger button right off the bat and not her love button. NOT THAT LOVE BUTTON you perverts. Although, a good orgasm can make you give a damn again, so that should have been higher on the list than a sappy PowerPoint presentation of sentimental photos. And secondly, THE LEXI PLAN DID NOT FIX STEFAN IT ONLY FUCKED HIM UP IN OTHER WAYS. Stefan is a ticking time bomb of emotional issues, ready to explode on the nearest person that gets a papercut. And Lexi RUINED the relationship between Stefan and Damon. Yes, they had issues before that, but Lexi cemented the idea in Stefan’s head that Damon was the bad brother and he was the saint and that bullshit is what keeps me from warming to Stefan. No matter how perfect your hero hair is, you are no better than Damon, Stefan. Actually, the denial has always made you worse. Remember kids, Damon owns his guilt. It’s a shame how they wrote Lexi, because Arielle is hysterical and so much fun. #Sneakbrag That version of Lexi was hinted at when she first appeared, but each subsequent appearance lowered her esteem in my eyes.
Damon is a tad bit skeptical of Stefan just riding off into the sunset and he will soon discover he is right to doubt. But I jump ahead to the ass grab.
This is the worst family meeting in history. Admittedly, my family’s “Do we spend a week at the beach or a week in the mountains this vacation?” got pretty contentious, but it’s no “How exactly will our actions bring about the least amount of death and destruction?” although the silent treatment from my cousin lasted for 3 weeks and I wanted to stuff her in a box. The arguments on both sides are very compelling:
Klaus - I, and everyone else will be tormented for all eternity by a man who simply wishes to be reunited with his lost love, something you lovesick fools should appreciate. Also we’d get our brothers, Kol and Frank? Flip? Flan? back. (I want Kol back after discovering what a complete doll Nate is. #SneakBrag)
Rebekah - I want a simple life knowing each day counts and every pimple, late car payment and menstrual cramp has meaning. Oh, and the death and destruction thing.
Yeah, I can’t help mocking Bekah along with Klaus. She has such a romanticized view of humanity and it should really be the whole “let’s not destroy the world” things she should be concentrating on.
One thing I will say, if this glare down between Klaus, Elijah, and Rebekah is any indication of what we could see on The Originals, I need to line my TV with asbestos. Klaus’s last words to Rebekah are cruel and yet honest. He is no secret softie, like some Klaroline fans wish him to be. He is a monster. A dimpled, deliciously accented, hot as sin, cocky bastard. I don’t want him woobified. I will rant more about The Originals at the end of this. You’ve been warned.
Judge Elijah hands down his verdict and Bekah is on parole. She must spend one day as a human and then she may have the cure. I knew immediately she would be faced with a moral quandary later. Poor plot point.
Elena is living with Rebekah and I would love to watch an episode of that slapstick comedy. Maybe they could name it “Beauty and the Bitch” and replace that nightmare that follows TVD now? Wouldn’t even need to change the hashtags. They are going to go to prom together because no one wants Bekah to get the cure more than Elena. I imagine she wants that more than Bekah at this point.
Caroline, Bonnie, and Matt are going to the Prom together and Caroline pretends that’ll be the niftiest thing ever. Oh, Care, no one buys that lie. Not any of the girls who have ever gone with friends on Prom Night. Robo-lena snarks at Bon and Care, and I’m sorry but I love it.
And here is Robo-Lena in Caroline’s dress! Hah! This is what emotion looks like, people. But I am super-pissed at this scene. Elena is living with Rebekah, so why couldn’t Stefan and Damon take her as well? Why did she have to go by herself? That is one big ole limo and they’ve both slept with her, so a ride and pseudo-date to the Prom IS THE LEAST THEY COULD DO. Assholes.
“Don’t eat the Prom Queen.” In a little while I will be screaming EAT THE PROM QUEEN at my screen.
Caroline is on a tear about her gown and Klaus’s eyebrows cannot get any higher about her ridiculous issue and thinking why this should have any importance to him. Until she says the magic words.
“This is important to me.”
Yep. Klaus is on it, now. Although, I am having a hard time imagining why Klaus is lugging around royal ball gowns all these years, unless he has a secret he would like to share with the rest of the class. No judgements!
“Pictures of You” by The Cure. Perfection.
I want to punch Stefan and Damon in their smug faces when they give the knowing nods to each other like this simple photo of Elena and Matt will bring her back from the grief OF LOSING EVERY SINGLE PERSON SHE LOVES AND HAVING NO FAMILY LEFT. There is no much throat punching that needs to occur this episode.
Oh, Matt. Every single event Caroline puts on is a practice run for her wedding. Look! She’ll even show up in a practice wedding gown to this.
Has Damon ever acted this awkward around a woman before in his life? The real Eternal Stud would have Damon danced Robo-Elena right out of her panties by now and fucked her in the coat room. That, my friends, is how you get her turned on. Er, her humanity turned on. I can tell you it’s a fact that when he touches you, you want to rip your clothes right off. #SneakBrag No. Instead he talks of boyfriends and seriously? How lame is that? Robo-Elena of course claims her attestations of love were due to the sire bond and before all the Stelana fans lose their panties, this means nothing. She is out to hurt everyone and see how well it worked? Damon always doubted it was real anyway.
And this Elena knows exactly which buttons to push. Now that I think about it, I am bitching about stupid people, but Elena is damn smart this episode. She goes for the jugular with every barb and finds her mark. Matt would have gladly turned off his emotions after Vicki. Bonnie has no confidence in her magic and feels like she lets everyone down. Stefan can’t believe that anyone would willingly choose Damon over him, the better brother. I kinda want Elena to go around MF and do this to everyone.
And now my heart breaks. Jeremy stands before her, all grown up and adorable in his tux. If this is a dream, please allow her to live it for the rest of her life. She stumbles slightly over her dress and heels in her race to get to him and have a final dance. After having had Steven R. McQueens arms around me, twice, I don’t blame her. #SneakBrag Her tears are those of someone who loved and lost but sees her redemption in front of her. This is Silas at his most cruel, not when he fucks with your body but with your very soul.
And now I need to hate on Stefan. How does he decide to help Elena regain her emotions? Why, by showing that deep down she is really still in love with him and all that Damon nonsense wasn’t really. Let me seduce you on the floor in front of my brother whose own feelings are unimportant, as usual. Oh, and I’m gonna grab your ass for good measure and lean in to kiss you, BECAUSE IF I’M GOING TO BE A JACKASS, I’M REALLY GOING TO SELL IT! And Paul Wesley hates how Stefan pants after Elena. Heard it from his own mouth. #SneakBrag
And now my feelings collide as Panda Bear Matt is mean to Koala Bear Bekah. She is so earnest in her need for his approval and he is so beyond caring about her needs. Really, the two of them are almost exactly alike. My god, I ship Mabekah.
Caroline was going to go all Jerry Springer on Elena’s ass and these idiots stop her. Yep. When I’m being a manipulative bitch the only way to stop me is to give in to me. *Rolls my eyes so hard my teenage self gives me a slow clap.* Stefan and Caroline dance, and there is much tension and subtext. I really like these two as friends, well except for then they team up to be the Gruesome Twosome of Judgmentalism. I’m not sure a love connection would work.
Rebekah wants Prom Queen and Elena wants to help make it happen. I LOVE YOU, ELENA! DON’T EVER CHANGE! Plot Point wants to deny Rebekah this, so I am OK with her death. Although my love slips a little when Elena hits Bekah with her biggest insecurities. Rebekah already believes she is not a good person and deserves all the unhappiness she gets.
Seremy reveals himself and Bonnie reacts with the expected results. She wants Jeremy back, but not at the expense of bringing the wall down. But how long can her resolve and her tenuous grasp on her powers hold?
How did Rebekah get the stake again? I am so confused on the path it took and can’t be bothered to figure it out. Klaus has it now, and is unwilling to trade Katarina’s freedom for it. Elijah speaks of love and chances, but Klaus has never known that. This is why I wish there were more scenes with Klaus and Damon. They are so alike in so many ways. I believe the origin of their pain is also the same. Klaus never knew love growing up and was always the outsider because he literally was not his father’s son. In some AU fanfiction I wrote, the same is true for Damon. Why else would he never have had his father’s love and respect. It was obvious he was the disfavored son long before he fled from the Civil War. As the first born at that time, he should have been revered. I believe that Damon should get a good, long look at Klaus and see his possible future. Obsession caused this and Damon should never allow his obsession for any Petrova to lead him this far afield. History repeats itself in these two men. These two smoldering, beautiful, scrumptious men. What were we talking about?
Even Rebekah sees that Matt is the heart of this town. I just wish she would see she is the heart of her family. She is desperate for any approval, but Matt’s would make her feel complete. And Matt. you save the world just by existing. You are a living reminder of what they all should be striving for. “You’re so beautifully human.” No truer words have ever been spoken.
Caroline and Damon momentarily bond over booze. There is no better way.
Elena eavesdrops and mentions Alaric (Drink!) and how he would try to save her. My dear friend Daniel has me thinking about what would happen if Silas were to appear to Damon as Alaric and I immediately die inside. I can’t even. I imagine I would cry for about a year from the pain of a Salaric. I’m fairly certain Damon would cry along with me and there is nothing more damaging than Damon Tears. Even a Damon Dance won’t fix that.
Plot Point announces Prom King Matt and Prom Queen Bonnie and the fact Bekah doesn’t immediately drain Bonnie dry should prove she has some control. Elena sees the perfect solution in killing Bonnie, and as I said earlier it is cold and calculating and...correct.
I immediately thought this was Syler, because who would be stupid enough to think Prom was important enough to die for? Oh, Caroline, right. Tyler must truly love her to come back for this, so I give Forwood fans props. Caroline gets her Prom dance with Tyler and I must admit to swooning a bit myself. These two have real chemistry on and off the screen, even in QandA sessions. #Sneakbrag
Out of all the times I assumed people were Silas, this actually wasn’t one of them, BUT IT IS ANOTHER MOMENT I WONDERED HOW EVERYONE TURNED SO DAMN STUPID THIS YEAR. Damon just said that everyone should stay at the Prom so Silas can't pick them off one at a time and then goes outside ALONE to drink. Idiot. I didn’t think it was Silas because it was a little too close to what Stefan has really been saying to Damon all along. This wasn’t him tapping into Damon’s deepest fears. This was a repeat of actual words that have actually come out of Stefan’s actual mouth. I’m glad Damon’s not the only idiot, because Stefan must have wondered off as well to be lured by Samon into the woods.
Elena confronts Bonnie and knowing what she knows about Bonbon’s powers, why didn’t she do the sneak attack? All I know is we start to relive the Prom scene from Carrie and I wait for someone to dump a bucket of pig’s blood on Bonnie with “They’re all going to laugh at you” echoing in the background. Don’t even make me talk about their dirty pillows. Bonnie bails as Matt tries to help Elena who has had enough of this bullshit. Plot Point decides this is an appropriate place to show her very bashable head and bitable neck. What? She should have made Rebekah Prom Queen is all we’re saying. *fist bumps Elena*
There is an attempt to make this a mini-cliffhanger as to whether Bekah will save Plot Point, but you all knew she would. Deep down, Rebekah is essentially good, she just has had to deal with her family for centuries. I can barely make it through the holidays with mine before snapping, so I feel her pain.
“Let me guess. An extremely handsome man come up to you claiming to be me.” This is the Damon we know and love. Let’s see more of this.
Bonnie continues her war on inanimate objects by setting off car alarms in her rage against Seremy. Bonnie says she will die before Silas can use her and I’m like, OK. See, even Bonnie is down with Elena’s plan. And now with the sneak attack! But what have we here? Elena begins to choke on Bonnie’s blood and Bonnie heals herself. The Expression magic is no joke! It may even be more magical than Elena’s vagina which apparently has the ability to suck your brains out. (insert blowjob joke here) Bonnie gets her serious dark side on and busts Elena all up. The cavalry rides in to save her and the fear in Elena’s eyes is enough to pull Bonnie back from the edge.
While Bonnie goes off by herself (idiots), Stefan and Damon vervain Elena, because it’s not really a Prom until someone is roofied.
Rebekah and Matt proceed to have the sweetest moment in recorded history. There is way too much blonde beautifulness between them. He shows her acceptance and she lights up from within. He sees her, truly sees her, for the first time and she is lovely. He does the only thing one can do when confronted by very uncomfortable feelings, he turns tail and runs to take Plot Point home.
Klaus is cruel but absolutely right in that how Rebekah acted was anything but human. As humans we are powerless to miraculously save others and raging against whichever gods are your fancy is often the only thing we can do. She acted as a demi-god herself, which is far from human. The back and forth that occurs in disconcerting because it is very hard to tell if it is a juxtaposition between what Klaus is threatening her to do and what she actually does, or if it is something else. It turns out to be the something else in the form of Sebekah who walks off with the cure. Yes, boys and girls, Silas has the cure and is one step closer to the zombie apocalypse. The “oh, fuck” look on Elijah’s face is classic.
Their reunion is short lived as Tyler needs to beat feet before Klaus...too late. There is an interesting underlying tone to Klaus’s rage. Jealousy. That Tyler can be the one to make Caroline’s dreams come true and out of deference to those dreams, he gives Tyler 5 seconds to disappear, which Tyler proves to be not all stupid and does.
Plan C - Make Elena’s life a living hell because she felt fear. I’m guessing this may be the one that actually comes closest to working. Of course what will really bring Elena’s emotions back will be in the finale when Damon turns human and promptly begins to die for some reason. Oh, shut it. You know I’m right. And before you all write me to say “Damon is the biggest draw of the show and they’ll never write him off”, I’ll reply with a “No shit, Sherlock.” Because, you see, the real biggest draw to this show is not just Damon, it is the hope of seeing Damon happy. And once the writers allow that to happen there is no more tension and there is no more show. So I assume Damon will get real happiness right around the time the show is cancelled. This has been Debbie Downer reporting.
Stefan lingers a bit too long at the bars to Elena’s cell, setting up their reunion in Season 5 where they will work together to fix Damon. I hate myself for saying all of this as much as you all hate me.
Klaus finds a cryptic note from Kat that sets up next week’s episode and the backdoor pilot. (See end rant.)
Bonnie meets the Phantom of the Opera where they promptly sing “Music of the Night” and I rock myself to sleep with real rocks.
About The Originals - I have heard much wailing and gnashing of teeth about people boycotting next week’s episode in some kind of attempt to make sure it fails and Klaus has to stay on The Vampire Diaries so that he can making pouty faces at Caroline. Let me explain the real world to you for a moment. TV shows cost money and especially on small networks like the CW, they cannot afford to keep a full roster of very talented, but increasingly costly actors. Joseph Morgan will not play second string forever. Shall I bring up the ghost of Matt Davis to hammer home my point? Be a real fan and support these characters we love so we have them for 2 hours a week instead of one. What more could you possibly want? There is always the possibility of crossover episodes and, I hate to tell you this, but Caroline was never going to be with Klaus. So if your childish temper tantrum causes me to eventually lose Klaus off my television screen. I will hunt down each of you and personally throat punch you. That is all.