Previously on The Vampire Diaries...that all happened. Hi! I’m back for a new round of ranting and recapping. Just a reminder that all opinions are my own and there will be harsh language and capslock used throughout my writings. I’ll attempt to avoid using the words judgmental and sanctimonious as much as last year, but they make it so damn hard.
Stefan’s very first words are a lie. Love did not bring him to Mystic Falls. Utter bullshit. He was stalking Elena because she looked like Katherine and then “fell in love” with her wholesome goodness and compassion. *barf* No, he fell in love with his idealization of her and not the true her. Elena over the course of several seasons came to realize she was drowning (heh) under the burden of being the golden girl, said “fuck that noise”, and allowed herself to be who she wanted to be. I HATE REVISIONIST HISTORY, STEFAN!
We all had sacrifices...like Bonnie and everything she held dear. Don’t worry, BonBon, by the end of the night it only gets worse!
Ugh, this is starting off like a teen version of Sex in the City and we already have The Carrie Diaries, CW. Although, who here wouldn’t love to see a crossover episode with Stefan in the 80s. Flock of Seagulls hair and a Miami Vice suit. Make this happen, network gods.
Anyway, Elena claims she got nothing done, but it sure looks like she did Damon enough. Atta girl. Did you hear that? That was girlish giggling. Has Elena ever laughed like that in the history of ever before she was with Damon? NO. And she changes him, too. DID YOU SEE THE CLUTTER IN HIS BEDROOM? Neat freak would never have allowed that in the past.
Caroline is not even buying a clue as to Tyler’s disinterest in going to college. He has gone all back to nature on our fastidious girl and that matchup never works. I hope you packed tissues in that storage bin, Carebear.
Matt and Rebekah are using their summer vacation the most wisely while fucking their way across Europe. I have never been happier for our favorite busboy. Memories of Bekah kissing that lovely brunette will be sure to keep him warm when the power gets turned off at the Lockwood Mansion, because HOW IN THE HELL is he supposed to manage the upkeep on that thing while working at the Grill? I hope someone, probably Bekah, thought to set up a lovely trust fund for him over the summer after all he did for them. They must have billions and yet he still toils in grease and cigarette smoke. Sometimes I hate these people.
Jeremy is ghost writing (again, heh) an email from Bonnie to Elena. So none of them are yet aware that Bonnie has passed on into the great beyond of...being invisible in Mystic Falls. Sounds like Vicki when she was alive. Ouch, that one hurt. It’s nice to see that after all that has happened, Jeremy is still the King of Cockblocking. I imagine over the summer he has caught them naked and banging in every room of the mansion and maybe even once on the lawn. I loved Damon’s shooing hand. Move it along, Baby Gilbert. The Eternal Stud was about to have his throbbing manhood meet Elena’s welcoming womanhood while her bosoms heave in ecstasy. (I have written way too much regency romance over the summer.)
Is that Kat in a (gasps and clutches my pearls) hoodie?
They are playing that Elena is reading Bonnie’s email while in the tub, but you know the girl has been videotaping Damon’s naked ass in that bathroom. I have no doubt about the existence of Delena sex tapes. Damon makes a damn fine argument for why her going to college is ridiculous and if he made it to me, it would go something like this.
Me: I think I’ll go to college.
Damon: Let me convince you to stay.
Me: OK!
Damon: Well, there is this bathtub...
Me: Staying!
Damon: ...and champagne kisses...
Me: Never leaving!
Damon: ...and my charming wit...
Me: May just grow roots!
Damon: ...and sex with me on every available surface.
Me: I think I was still suffering from one of my many concussions to even consider leaving and LIVING WITH CAROLINE WHO WILL ONLY BE A JUDGMENTAL BITCH UNTIL I DROWN HER IN A VAT OF GRAIN PUNCH AT A FRATERNITY PARTY.
Jeremy is giving the most unconvincing apologetic speech. This going back to school thing is another dumb idea Elena has. Why would she subject her already emotionally damaged brother to high school, the source of most of our lingering psychological scars?! Let Damon homeschool the boy and get his GED. Makes perfect sense and allows him to heal from that time he DIED TRYING TO GET THAT DUMBASS CURE. Jesus. You know I really don’t have the problems with Elena that some have, but she is definitely showing Stefan tendencies in this episode. Stop trying to be normal or at least the bullshit picture of normal that Norman Rockwell painted 70+ years ago. You are a vampire surrounded by supernatural creatures. Embrace it and revel in your freedom from bills, sickness, societal constraints, and subjugation. Be free and allow your brother to be free, as well! And you can’t tell me there isn’t an art program Damon couldn’t compel Jeremy into so he could have a fresh start. So I blame her for the trouble Jeremy faces.
I also blame her for saying goodbye to Damon and for breaking all my feels with that sweet and lingering final kiss topped off by the words of love. Damon is feeling all warm and fuzzy, so Jeremy gives him the “Bro! Now that the wet rag is gone, we’re ignoring her wishes, right?” And Damon is all, “Are you shitting me? She will scratch me and not in a good way, so grab your backpack and hit the bricks.”
Elena confides in Caroline that she has a bad feeling about Stefan and it ends up exactly as we hoped it wouldn’t, with Caroline telling Elena she made a huge mistake and should dump the man who has given her peace to return to the one who made her feel like a broken toy. Are you even looking at her? At the way she radiates happiness? SHUT UP, CAROLINE! Damn. I thought I could get through at least the first episode without doing that, you sanctimonious twat.
Where the hell are these girls going to college? I remember my dorm room and it was cinder blocks and insane asylum paint. They are living in a goddamn loft! I call shenanigans! I can suspend my disbelief when it comes to vampires, werewolves, and witches, but not when it comes to those windows! Stop hugging all over Liz so she can get back to her job in Mystic Falls of never solving any crime ever.
So Elena’s parents went to this college? Yeah, that will be important at some point.
Hi, Megan! It’s nice meeting you for the very brief time you’ll be alive! Don’t mind Caroline. She is that bitchy and rude to even her closest friends.
Please tell me they are not in Alaric’s (drink!) old classroom. How long does Bonnie plan on faking being alive? Actually, this could work. She could claim to fall in love during her trip and go to college in some West Coast university. The texts and postcards trickle down to an occasional Christmas card and she fades in their memories to that girl they were friends with in high school who saved their lives a bunch of times and in the process lost everything. You know, just like regular folks.
DAMON IS ALWAYS RIGHT! Man, that felt good reviving again from last year. If they would have attempted compelling her from the get go, they would have instantly known she was on vervain and the poor girl may still be alive. Ever notice how many things go horribly wrong on this show because people deny their nature, STEFAN?!
Katerina Petrova. Girl, Elijah would be having a heart attack over that hair.
---I’m at 1300 words and only a quarter of the way in. I’ll need to condense like a mother fucker.---
Matty is back in his Grill gear and I have a sad. His blonde savior strolls up and next thing you know they’re grinding against a tree. Perfection. The other person on their menage stole their stuff including the Gilbert ring and that won’t come up again. When Matt wonders how to explain that to Jeremy, Bekah’s “Tell him you had a threesome. He’ll understand.” is the most accurate thing said this entire episode. “Don’t call, don’t write, and don’t you dare miss me.” I love you, Rebekah. LOOK AT MATT’S SMILE!
“Hi! I’m Silas! I only look like Stefan, but I’m 1000 times more interesting! I don’t play silly little games, I just come right the fuck out and lay my cards on the table.” Refreshing, isn’t it? Paul Wesley is eating this role up with a spoon and I couldn’t be happier. Can we keep this one? The other can stay in the gun safe. He also clears up the little mythology question I had. Silas is NOT a vampire, so the Mikaelsons can still lay claim to that name. Apparently there is more than one way to be immortal, even though he needs human blood to survive.
Yes, Caroline, go full Mean Girl in order to charm the new roommate. God, she is insufferable now.
The flyer distributor would be the only reason I needed to go to the party at Whitmore House. Yummy. Caroline should bite off a piece of that and release some of her tension, is what I’m saying.
So these idiot boys decided to take on Jeremy. Have you looked at his arms?! That was one well-deserved beatdown. I have now cheating on Jeremy’s tank top with that henley AND I FEEL NO SHAME! (Call me, tank top! I still love you!)
I would pay good money to see drunk Kat down at the Grill being bitchy about the other patrons, their wardrobes, and politics. I would sit and gaze lovingly at her the entire time. She is a hot mess right now, even her nails are chipped (!), and still more interesting than 95% of the people around. Damon offers to immediately re-turn her, but she is worried that a death after taking the cure would be a permanent one. A very good concern from our girl that is always thinking 10 steps ahead of everyone else.
Kat intercepts a call from the principal about Jeremy’s impromptu walkabout and she still does a better Elena than Elena does a Katherine. (That whole sentence cracked me up because of how true it is AND how fucked up, seeing as how it is the same actress.) She begs Damon to help her. To let her stay and she plays to his real weakness. Deep down, Damon wants to be the hero. This has driven him from the very start, but it was warped along the way with all the people telling him he was never enough. He still wants that and it’s why he allows Kat to stay, not because he is still in love with her, so stop saying that craziness twitterverse.
Drown. Come back. Hallucinate. Drown.
That would suck so damn hard. I find it fascinating that Stefan’s vision of Damon is portrayed as a villain in his mind for telling him to turn off the humanity switch, while actually being right. You do what you have to do to survive and then deal with the consequences. If he doesn’t think the endless torture is going to warp his brain, I have some prisoners of war I’d like him to talk to. Besides, Stefan, YOU ALREADY ARE A MONSTER FOR FUCK’S SAKE! The very reason you have so many damn issues is your complete denial of that fact.
Did anyone else giggle a little when Caroline was vervained by the roomie’s water? Just me? Liars. That is no coincidence and they both should instantly be on high alert. I actually agree with the idea of capturing the girl, stuffing her in the Salvatore dungeon until the vervain is gone, and compelling the snot out of her. Maybe then she would still be alive. Wait. Did I find the second time Elena wished to deny her nature and it lead to a person’s death? DON’T BE STEFAN! Instead she wishes to do normal, human, freshman-y stuff. Binge drink, sleep with questionable men, and gain 15 pounds? I’m in!
Hi, Jessie! If he would have licked his lips at me like he did with Caroline, there would be some bushes I was dragging him into.
Elena rightly points out that Tyler isn’t exactly rushing to be with Caroline and she snots back at Elena about her Stefan “dreams”. I am so hating this SL already, you have no idea. If this is supposed to be some eternal connection because of their shared doppelgangerness, then why in the fuck isn’t Kat having the same issue? She is just as much a copy of Silas’s love as Elena is. And do any of us really want a love that was ordained through magic and not as a result of that person adoring us for who we are? If you do, you need to check yourself because that thinking is immature and irrational. It is even worse than those who said Elena only loved Damon due to the sire bond and would stop loving him the second is was broken, completely ignoring the fact she loved him before the bond existed. It actually negates Stelana, inasmuch as it means they are only drawn to each other through this spell, neither of them has any control over, and if it did not exist they would have NEVER had a reason to make each other miserable for almost 4 seasons.
Oh, and Bonnie is the doppelganger of Qetsiyah like I have been calling since last year. I know it.
Caroline and Elena can’t enter the house. “Someone must own it.” (facepalms)
Jeremy gets a lecture from his guardian (snickers) and is not pleased that he will have to return to one of Dante’s circles of hell. Look who it is. Stefan smiles (!) and hugs Damon (!), letting everyone who isn’t blinded by guilt (Damon) know this is not Stefan. He’ll crack a joke later, sealing the deal.
Megan returns the call the girls made in order to give a lame excuse as to why they are not currently doing keg stands. In response to Elena’s request for her to come outside, she is quite too literal and lands behind them from somewhere high in the house. I’m guessing the roof. Bite marks indicate a vampire, but the girl was on vervain, supposedly. I am with Caroline on this one. This is all a setup. Someone wants them to do some investigating and I have yet to decide if it was good or evil purposes. Oh, who am I kidding? Evil all the way and somehow Bonnie, who has absolutely no one left in the end, will miraculously lose even more.
There are several awkward exchanges between the “brothers” and an even more awkward arm pat from Silas to Jeremy who is instantly aware of his true form. Damon is in denial and I will give him a pass because all he has ever wanted was to have the possibility of a close relationship with his brother. In those few moments, he believes that may now be possible, only for Jeremy’s information to wipe that away.
“I like Elena-less Stefan.” Honey, don’t we all, even if this is actually Silas. He is so creepy and a million times hotter this way. I have such issues. Thank goodness Kat is old school and can slash Silas with that straight razor she was using she shave her legs and bolt. She runs into Jeremy and Damon on their way in with Damon telling Gilbert to make haste with the other human and NOT to tell him where they’re going. He knows Silas can get in his head and he doesn’t want to accidentally betray them.
So. It appears, since Silas is not a vampire, he does not have fangs, super speed, or even super strength in the way Kat was able to struggle with him. Interesting. His powers are much more mental than physical which is absolutely more dangerous. I like it.
Megan is declared a suicide, which is apparently Whitmore College’s version of animal attack. I guess there is a local school that teaches the Liz Forbes method of anti-policing.
Damon finds out it’s doppelgangers the whole way down. To recap:
Silas = Stefan
Silas’s Love = Tatia, Katherine, Elena
Qetsooyay (hee) = Bonnie
Damon = Eternal Stud and character to be named later
Silas wants Katherine and in exchange he’ll give Damon the location of his eternally suffering brother, so that Stefan can eternally suffer on dry land. Makes the brooding easier when you don’t have water up your nose. Damon is all, “Okey dokey. Just let me get her for you.” He does not hesitate, which should put the final nail in the coffin of who he loves. I adore that Kat is all “fuck this noise” and wrecks the damn car. She will NEVER go down without a fight or die trying.
Silas fucks with Damon some more while Damon realizes things are spinning out of his control.
Back at the Mystic Falls Event of the Week, I should mention they aren’t even bothering to name them anymore, Matty is still working the keg and worrying about Bonnie. Rudy continues to be as much of an absentee and horrible father as he is always been. Um, you’re 18 year old daughter is roaming somewhere and you have no idea. Asshole.
“Hey! It’s that girl, Nadia, who I had the three-way with and then stole all of our stuff! Let me follow her into this dark alleyway.” Oh, Donovan. I think he would have remembered her even if she hadn’t robbed them. It is polite to remember the names of all the people you’ve had a three-way with, I’ve found. She returns the eternity ring a moment before he is zombified or something by what I assume is a witch. Hard to tell since neither of them was African American.
Caroline and Elena return to a room that has been entered by another who removed Megan’s laptop. In looking through her phone, Elena makes an interesting discovery - a picture of her father with the now dead roomie. As predicted, the announcement that this is her parents’ alma mater was not a tossed off line.
Human Kat stumbles from the wreckage before hobbling off down the street, away from Jeremy’s pleas for help. And that is why I will always love Kat. Girl is a survivor. Nuclear winter comes we'll have cockroaches & Kat Petrova alive.
Bonnie urges Jeremy to hang on as a desperate Damon races to the scene. The tears are filling his eyes as he urges the life-giving blood into his ward’s mouth. He does not just care for Jeremy just because he is his girlfriend’s brother. It is clear he loves the younger Gilbert all on his own. They are family and Damon refuses to lose another member of his tribe. In his mind they are his to protect, as was obviously demonstrated in his cemetery confession to Alaric (drink!), but also in the hundreds of little things he has done to try and keep them going. He hugs Jeremy and that is how far he has come; he is willingly hugging another person. I am verklempt.
Over in the dorm, Caroline is finally hearing from Tyler and it is as we knew all along. He is finding his own way as a werewolf, a man, and a leader. Her tears are real and no matter how much she pisses me off, I feel for her pain. Life will take them in different directions, possibly to find their way together again someday, but until then Elena will comfort your sorry ass because she has been a better friend to you than you have been to her. They do have each other and I hope they both remember that while Bonnie is wandering through a lonely eternity without touch or comfort.
More hallucinations and while Damon continues to urge him to let go, Elena is going to be his guiding light (ugh) in retaining his humanity. This scene had me chanting FLIP THE SWITCH FLIP THE SWITCH FLIP THE SWITCH FLIP THE SWITCH FLIP THE SWITCH at the screen. Turn off the humanity switch, the smug switch, the superiority switch, and the dysfunctional switch. You are insufferable even when drowning as soon as you are tied to Elena. You make each other insufferable.
If Damon didn’t have his hands full at the moment, he would be all over the completely non-coincidental occurrences at Whitmore College. Sorry, Elena. It’s time to get back to that kickass girl who knows how to save herself. It’ll feel good.
Ah! It’s the End of Summer town picnic tradition! Why didn’t I recognize that? Family is a core value? As of right now, does anyone even have a parent left? Here comes Silas and it is going to be GLORIOUS, I can tell. Silas tests out the limits of his powers and I was dying for a little hokey pokey, since that is the shit I would do. Instead, while they are silent and immobilized, he slits Mayor Rudy’s neck, the only scream being voiced the one he has no power to stifle. Bonnie has now lost everything. If I were her, I would use whatever mystical powers I had to burn that mother fucking town to the ground and everyone in it. She should have no loyalty towards those who never for a second stopped to see how she suffered nor how she sacrificed. So much more than the rest of them combined. It is vile how they have treated Bonnie.
In the end, the town has its orders; find Katherine, or god have mercy on your souls.
Stefan’s very first words are a lie. Love did not bring him to Mystic Falls. Utter bullshit. He was stalking Elena because she looked like Katherine and then “fell in love” with her wholesome goodness and compassion. *barf* No, he fell in love with his idealization of her and not the true her. Elena over the course of several seasons came to realize she was drowning (heh) under the burden of being the golden girl, said “fuck that noise”, and allowed herself to be who she wanted to be. I HATE REVISIONIST HISTORY, STEFAN!
We all had sacrifices...like Bonnie and everything she held dear. Don’t worry, BonBon, by the end of the night it only gets worse!
Ugh, this is starting off like a teen version of Sex in the City and we already have The Carrie Diaries, CW. Although, who here wouldn’t love to see a crossover episode with Stefan in the 80s. Flock of Seagulls hair and a Miami Vice suit. Make this happen, network gods.
Anyway, Elena claims she got nothing done, but it sure looks like she did Damon enough. Atta girl. Did you hear that? That was girlish giggling. Has Elena ever laughed like that in the history of ever before she was with Damon? NO. And she changes him, too. DID YOU SEE THE CLUTTER IN HIS BEDROOM? Neat freak would never have allowed that in the past.
Caroline is not even buying a clue as to Tyler’s disinterest in going to college. He has gone all back to nature on our fastidious girl and that matchup never works. I hope you packed tissues in that storage bin, Carebear.
Matt and Rebekah are using their summer vacation the most wisely while fucking their way across Europe. I have never been happier for our favorite busboy. Memories of Bekah kissing that lovely brunette will be sure to keep him warm when the power gets turned off at the Lockwood Mansion, because HOW IN THE HELL is he supposed to manage the upkeep on that thing while working at the Grill? I hope someone, probably Bekah, thought to set up a lovely trust fund for him over the summer after all he did for them. They must have billions and yet he still toils in grease and cigarette smoke. Sometimes I hate these people.
Jeremy is ghost writing (again, heh) an email from Bonnie to Elena. So none of them are yet aware that Bonnie has passed on into the great beyond of...being invisible in Mystic Falls. Sounds like Vicki when she was alive. Ouch, that one hurt. It’s nice to see that after all that has happened, Jeremy is still the King of Cockblocking. I imagine over the summer he has caught them naked and banging in every room of the mansion and maybe even once on the lawn. I loved Damon’s shooing hand. Move it along, Baby Gilbert. The Eternal Stud was about to have his throbbing manhood meet Elena’s welcoming womanhood while her bosoms heave in ecstasy. (I have written way too much regency romance over the summer.)
Is that Kat in a (gasps and clutches my pearls) hoodie?
They are playing that Elena is reading Bonnie’s email while in the tub, but you know the girl has been videotaping Damon’s naked ass in that bathroom. I have no doubt about the existence of Delena sex tapes. Damon makes a damn fine argument for why her going to college is ridiculous and if he made it to me, it would go something like this.
Me: I think I’ll go to college.
Damon: Let me convince you to stay.
Me: OK!
Damon: Well, there is this bathtub...
Me: Staying!
Damon: ...and champagne kisses...
Me: Never leaving!
Damon: ...and my charming wit...
Me: May just grow roots!
Damon: ...and sex with me on every available surface.
Me: I think I was still suffering from one of my many concussions to even consider leaving and LIVING WITH CAROLINE WHO WILL ONLY BE A JUDGMENTAL BITCH UNTIL I DROWN HER IN A VAT OF GRAIN PUNCH AT A FRATERNITY PARTY.
Jeremy is giving the most unconvincing apologetic speech. This going back to school thing is another dumb idea Elena has. Why would she subject her already emotionally damaged brother to high school, the source of most of our lingering psychological scars?! Let Damon homeschool the boy and get his GED. Makes perfect sense and allows him to heal from that time he DIED TRYING TO GET THAT DUMBASS CURE. Jesus. You know I really don’t have the problems with Elena that some have, but she is definitely showing Stefan tendencies in this episode. Stop trying to be normal or at least the bullshit picture of normal that Norman Rockwell painted 70+ years ago. You are a vampire surrounded by supernatural creatures. Embrace it and revel in your freedom from bills, sickness, societal constraints, and subjugation. Be free and allow your brother to be free, as well! And you can’t tell me there isn’t an art program Damon couldn’t compel Jeremy into so he could have a fresh start. So I blame her for the trouble Jeremy faces.
I also blame her for saying goodbye to Damon and for breaking all my feels with that sweet and lingering final kiss topped off by the words of love. Damon is feeling all warm and fuzzy, so Jeremy gives him the “Bro! Now that the wet rag is gone, we’re ignoring her wishes, right?” And Damon is all, “Are you shitting me? She will scratch me and not in a good way, so grab your backpack and hit the bricks.”
Elena confides in Caroline that she has a bad feeling about Stefan and it ends up exactly as we hoped it wouldn’t, with Caroline telling Elena she made a huge mistake and should dump the man who has given her peace to return to the one who made her feel like a broken toy. Are you even looking at her? At the way she radiates happiness? SHUT UP, CAROLINE! Damn. I thought I could get through at least the first episode without doing that, you sanctimonious twat.
Where the hell are these girls going to college? I remember my dorm room and it was cinder blocks and insane asylum paint. They are living in a goddamn loft! I call shenanigans! I can suspend my disbelief when it comes to vampires, werewolves, and witches, but not when it comes to those windows! Stop hugging all over Liz so she can get back to her job in Mystic Falls of never solving any crime ever.
So Elena’s parents went to this college? Yeah, that will be important at some point.
Hi, Megan! It’s nice meeting you for the very brief time you’ll be alive! Don’t mind Caroline. She is that bitchy and rude to even her closest friends.
Please tell me they are not in Alaric’s (drink!) old classroom. How long does Bonnie plan on faking being alive? Actually, this could work. She could claim to fall in love during her trip and go to college in some West Coast university. The texts and postcards trickle down to an occasional Christmas card and she fades in their memories to that girl they were friends with in high school who saved their lives a bunch of times and in the process lost everything. You know, just like regular folks.
DAMON IS ALWAYS RIGHT! Man, that felt good reviving again from last year. If they would have attempted compelling her from the get go, they would have instantly known she was on vervain and the poor girl may still be alive. Ever notice how many things go horribly wrong on this show because people deny their nature, STEFAN?!
Katerina Petrova. Girl, Elijah would be having a heart attack over that hair.
---I’m at 1300 words and only a quarter of the way in. I’ll need to condense like a mother fucker.---
Matty is back in his Grill gear and I have a sad. His blonde savior strolls up and next thing you know they’re grinding against a tree. Perfection. The other person on their menage stole their stuff including the Gilbert ring and that won’t come up again. When Matt wonders how to explain that to Jeremy, Bekah’s “Tell him you had a threesome. He’ll understand.” is the most accurate thing said this entire episode. “Don’t call, don’t write, and don’t you dare miss me.” I love you, Rebekah. LOOK AT MATT’S SMILE!
“Hi! I’m Silas! I only look like Stefan, but I’m 1000 times more interesting! I don’t play silly little games, I just come right the fuck out and lay my cards on the table.” Refreshing, isn’t it? Paul Wesley is eating this role up with a spoon and I couldn’t be happier. Can we keep this one? The other can stay in the gun safe. He also clears up the little mythology question I had. Silas is NOT a vampire, so the Mikaelsons can still lay claim to that name. Apparently there is more than one way to be immortal, even though he needs human blood to survive.
Yes, Caroline, go full Mean Girl in order to charm the new roommate. God, she is insufferable now.
The flyer distributor would be the only reason I needed to go to the party at Whitmore House. Yummy. Caroline should bite off a piece of that and release some of her tension, is what I’m saying.
So these idiot boys decided to take on Jeremy. Have you looked at his arms?! That was one well-deserved beatdown. I have now cheating on Jeremy’s tank top with that henley AND I FEEL NO SHAME! (Call me, tank top! I still love you!)
I would pay good money to see drunk Kat down at the Grill being bitchy about the other patrons, their wardrobes, and politics. I would sit and gaze lovingly at her the entire time. She is a hot mess right now, even her nails are chipped (!), and still more interesting than 95% of the people around. Damon offers to immediately re-turn her, but she is worried that a death after taking the cure would be a permanent one. A very good concern from our girl that is always thinking 10 steps ahead of everyone else.
Kat intercepts a call from the principal about Jeremy’s impromptu walkabout and she still does a better Elena than Elena does a Katherine. (That whole sentence cracked me up because of how true it is AND how fucked up, seeing as how it is the same actress.) She begs Damon to help her. To let her stay and she plays to his real weakness. Deep down, Damon wants to be the hero. This has driven him from the very start, but it was warped along the way with all the people telling him he was never enough. He still wants that and it’s why he allows Kat to stay, not because he is still in love with her, so stop saying that craziness twitterverse.
Drown. Come back. Hallucinate. Drown.
That would suck so damn hard. I find it fascinating that Stefan’s vision of Damon is portrayed as a villain in his mind for telling him to turn off the humanity switch, while actually being right. You do what you have to do to survive and then deal with the consequences. If he doesn’t think the endless torture is going to warp his brain, I have some prisoners of war I’d like him to talk to. Besides, Stefan, YOU ALREADY ARE A MONSTER FOR FUCK’S SAKE! The very reason you have so many damn issues is your complete denial of that fact.
Did anyone else giggle a little when Caroline was vervained by the roomie’s water? Just me? Liars. That is no coincidence and they both should instantly be on high alert. I actually agree with the idea of capturing the girl, stuffing her in the Salvatore dungeon until the vervain is gone, and compelling the snot out of her. Maybe then she would still be alive. Wait. Did I find the second time Elena wished to deny her nature and it lead to a person’s death? DON’T BE STEFAN! Instead she wishes to do normal, human, freshman-y stuff. Binge drink, sleep with questionable men, and gain 15 pounds? I’m in!
Hi, Jessie! If he would have licked his lips at me like he did with Caroline, there would be some bushes I was dragging him into.
Elena rightly points out that Tyler isn’t exactly rushing to be with Caroline and she snots back at Elena about her Stefan “dreams”. I am so hating this SL already, you have no idea. If this is supposed to be some eternal connection because of their shared doppelgangerness, then why in the fuck isn’t Kat having the same issue? She is just as much a copy of Silas’s love as Elena is. And do any of us really want a love that was ordained through magic and not as a result of that person adoring us for who we are? If you do, you need to check yourself because that thinking is immature and irrational. It is even worse than those who said Elena only loved Damon due to the sire bond and would stop loving him the second is was broken, completely ignoring the fact she loved him before the bond existed. It actually negates Stelana, inasmuch as it means they are only drawn to each other through this spell, neither of them has any control over, and if it did not exist they would have NEVER had a reason to make each other miserable for almost 4 seasons.
Oh, and Bonnie is the doppelganger of Qetsiyah like I have been calling since last year. I know it.
Caroline and Elena can’t enter the house. “Someone must own it.” (facepalms)
Jeremy gets a lecture from his guardian (snickers) and is not pleased that he will have to return to one of Dante’s circles of hell. Look who it is. Stefan smiles (!) and hugs Damon (!), letting everyone who isn’t blinded by guilt (Damon) know this is not Stefan. He’ll crack a joke later, sealing the deal.
Megan returns the call the girls made in order to give a lame excuse as to why they are not currently doing keg stands. In response to Elena’s request for her to come outside, she is quite too literal and lands behind them from somewhere high in the house. I’m guessing the roof. Bite marks indicate a vampire, but the girl was on vervain, supposedly. I am with Caroline on this one. This is all a setup. Someone wants them to do some investigating and I have yet to decide if it was good or evil purposes. Oh, who am I kidding? Evil all the way and somehow Bonnie, who has absolutely no one left in the end, will miraculously lose even more.
There are several awkward exchanges between the “brothers” and an even more awkward arm pat from Silas to Jeremy who is instantly aware of his true form. Damon is in denial and I will give him a pass because all he has ever wanted was to have the possibility of a close relationship with his brother. In those few moments, he believes that may now be possible, only for Jeremy’s information to wipe that away.
“I like Elena-less Stefan.” Honey, don’t we all, even if this is actually Silas. He is so creepy and a million times hotter this way. I have such issues. Thank goodness Kat is old school and can slash Silas with that straight razor she was using she shave her legs and bolt. She runs into Jeremy and Damon on their way in with Damon telling Gilbert to make haste with the other human and NOT to tell him where they’re going. He knows Silas can get in his head and he doesn’t want to accidentally betray them.
So. It appears, since Silas is not a vampire, he does not have fangs, super speed, or even super strength in the way Kat was able to struggle with him. Interesting. His powers are much more mental than physical which is absolutely more dangerous. I like it.
Megan is declared a suicide, which is apparently Whitmore College’s version of animal attack. I guess there is a local school that teaches the Liz Forbes method of anti-policing.
Damon finds out it’s doppelgangers the whole way down. To recap:
Silas = Stefan
Silas’s Love = Tatia, Katherine, Elena
Qetsooyay (hee) = Bonnie
Damon = Eternal Stud and character to be named later
Silas wants Katherine and in exchange he’ll give Damon the location of his eternally suffering brother, so that Stefan can eternally suffer on dry land. Makes the brooding easier when you don’t have water up your nose. Damon is all, “Okey dokey. Just let me get her for you.” He does not hesitate, which should put the final nail in the coffin of who he loves. I adore that Kat is all “fuck this noise” and wrecks the damn car. She will NEVER go down without a fight or die trying.
Silas fucks with Damon some more while Damon realizes things are spinning out of his control.
Back at the Mystic Falls Event of the Week, I should mention they aren’t even bothering to name them anymore, Matty is still working the keg and worrying about Bonnie. Rudy continues to be as much of an absentee and horrible father as he is always been. Um, you’re 18 year old daughter is roaming somewhere and you have no idea. Asshole.
“Hey! It’s that girl, Nadia, who I had the three-way with and then stole all of our stuff! Let me follow her into this dark alleyway.” Oh, Donovan. I think he would have remembered her even if she hadn’t robbed them. It is polite to remember the names of all the people you’ve had a three-way with, I’ve found. She returns the eternity ring a moment before he is zombified or something by what I assume is a witch. Hard to tell since neither of them was African American.
Caroline and Elena return to a room that has been entered by another who removed Megan’s laptop. In looking through her phone, Elena makes an interesting discovery - a picture of her father with the now dead roomie. As predicted, the announcement that this is her parents’ alma mater was not a tossed off line.
Human Kat stumbles from the wreckage before hobbling off down the street, away from Jeremy’s pleas for help. And that is why I will always love Kat. Girl is a survivor. Nuclear winter comes we'll have cockroaches & Kat Petrova alive.
Bonnie urges Jeremy to hang on as a desperate Damon races to the scene. The tears are filling his eyes as he urges the life-giving blood into his ward’s mouth. He does not just care for Jeremy just because he is his girlfriend’s brother. It is clear he loves the younger Gilbert all on his own. They are family and Damon refuses to lose another member of his tribe. In his mind they are his to protect, as was obviously demonstrated in his cemetery confession to Alaric (drink!), but also in the hundreds of little things he has done to try and keep them going. He hugs Jeremy and that is how far he has come; he is willingly hugging another person. I am verklempt.
Over in the dorm, Caroline is finally hearing from Tyler and it is as we knew all along. He is finding his own way as a werewolf, a man, and a leader. Her tears are real and no matter how much she pisses me off, I feel for her pain. Life will take them in different directions, possibly to find their way together again someday, but until then Elena will comfort your sorry ass because she has been a better friend to you than you have been to her. They do have each other and I hope they both remember that while Bonnie is wandering through a lonely eternity without touch or comfort.
More hallucinations and while Damon continues to urge him to let go, Elena is going to be his guiding light (ugh) in retaining his humanity. This scene had me chanting FLIP THE SWITCH FLIP THE SWITCH FLIP THE SWITCH FLIP THE SWITCH FLIP THE SWITCH at the screen. Turn off the humanity switch, the smug switch, the superiority switch, and the dysfunctional switch. You are insufferable even when drowning as soon as you are tied to Elena. You make each other insufferable.
If Damon didn’t have his hands full at the moment, he would be all over the completely non-coincidental occurrences at Whitmore College. Sorry, Elena. It’s time to get back to that kickass girl who knows how to save herself. It’ll feel good.
Ah! It’s the End of Summer town picnic tradition! Why didn’t I recognize that? Family is a core value? As of right now, does anyone even have a parent left? Here comes Silas and it is going to be GLORIOUS, I can tell. Silas tests out the limits of his powers and I was dying for a little hokey pokey, since that is the shit I would do. Instead, while they are silent and immobilized, he slits Mayor Rudy’s neck, the only scream being voiced the one he has no power to stifle. Bonnie has now lost everything. If I were her, I would use whatever mystical powers I had to burn that mother fucking town to the ground and everyone in it. She should have no loyalty towards those who never for a second stopped to see how she suffered nor how she sacrificed. So much more than the rest of them combined. It is vile how they have treated Bonnie.
In the end, the town has its orders; find Katherine, or god have mercy on your souls.